Hatredy

NEW BLOG URL!!!

2009-01-27T10:27:00.001-08:00

New Blog link:

The Lovely Bastards

Come check us out!

Phil, eat a fat cock.

*Sorry bro, we still love you, we meant phat cock.

Farewell To Friends, a.k.a Good Riddance

2009-01-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

"This is it what, Luchini pourin' from the sky lets get rich what, this is it what." - Camp Lo

Well my friends, and enemies, it is my great honor and humble duty to have been given this opportunity to speak on behalf of Jon and myself in saying... we are out. Adios amigos, and happy fuckin' trails. We hope that you will follow us to our new blog, which will be up and running by tom. 1/27/09.

A new blog? Why? These are a couple of the questions you may be asking. Here are some of our reasons. (you knew I had to do one last list)

1. The name. "Hatredy" doesn't really appeal to a great number of people. Trying to ask Phil to change the name has proven to be fruitless and is almost as painful as sodomizing yourself with a broken scotch bottle. We like to have alot of fun on this blog, but at the same time, Jon and I like to be serious occasionally. Bottom line, I don't want someone to find my blog on Bobby Murcer's passing and automatically assume that I am flaming the man because the blog is called, "Hatredy."

2. The links Phil has posted on the page. Hilary is mom jeans? What the fuck is that? 'Nuff said.

3. We have no control. When I first started posting on this blog, my posts were edited by Phil without my knowledge. Changing my grammatical errors, ( I was unaware of the spellcheck option... because well... I never looked). I was fine with that. Then he started changing my phrasing. Strike one. He has since stopped that BS, but we still have no control. I can't control what links are put on the site, and the fact that he can change what I have written is more than enough reasoning to want out.

4. We are subtly, and back-handedly reminded that it is not "our" blog from time to time. Really? I would think that two people who have continuously contributed to this Hindenburg of a blog for over a year would have a majority shareholders stake in this thing. Phil, you haven't posted in over six months... and you call it your blog?

5. Phil is the kind of guy who would read this post and respond by posting fifteen Youtube videos about why Barack Obama is the second coming of Christ and how we are all doomed by Global Warming, (which is widely considered by the world's leading scientific minds to be complete bullshit. Sorry Al). I just can't deal with that right now. The new blog will be comprised of Jon and myself. We do not see completely eye to eye on the topics of politics or religion, but we are pretty damn close. Close enough that I doubt that neither he nor myself would not want to be associated with a blog for what one of us posted.

6. It's time to move on. Believe it or not, I actually like blogging now. So does Jon. Why not make it a bit more serious?

So, in the end kids... It's been real. Our posts on this blog will be posted on the new blog and left here as well. Thank you to all those who have been faithful readers. Hatredy, I will miss you, but not your creator. To Phil, sorry buddy... but it had to be done. This was something that interested you for a while, and then faded away... which is kinda what you do. If anything you should have handed the reins over to us. What will interest you next? First it was your car (his dad was totally gonna buy him a mini cooper brodycake), then it was your cat... then you moved... then it was snowboarding... then it was death metal.... then it was tattoos.... then it was your hair.... then it was your dog.... now it's Candy. I hope for all of their sakes you never get a bird, or then it's so long Canderberus Vig VonHooterscook... and hello Tweety!

On behalf of Jon and myself.... Goodbye... and Welcome (to the new blog) Jonnyboy should have the link up and posted on this here site by tom. Later kids, see you at da' new spot.

Hibernating The Hate: A Farewell To Phil

2009-01-22T19:28:00.001-08:00

Thousands of our readers have been posing the age old adage, “Where is Phil?” I myself would be asking the same question if I wasn’t so busy sighing in relief. Phil has not posted a blog in nearly 6 months, since his George Carlin tribute (which consisted of “I’m sad: now here be 15 YouTube videos of Jorge Karlen, brody”). This led many to believe that he may ascended (or more likely descended) with Mr. Carlin into eternal slumber. Phil is not dead, the hate is just hibernating. It is way too difficult to find the time to come up with an original thought when the only things floating in your damaged brain is your girlfriend/wife, dog, drugs and an occasional work night (just for some spending money) in that particular order. With Phil seemingly engaged to disengage the simulator that is this blog, we bid him farewell. For the fans of his posts, Jon Drama and Johnnyboy will more than suffice providing you some of the same witticism you have come to know and love or hate. Consider us your beacons of hope, shamans of sarcasm, angor night delights and innovators of idiosyncratic idealisms. I once bashed the man in a blog as a gag and inside joke, but if I was a line cook who was financially secure for life and whose only responsibility was to have fun, avoid jail and simply stay alive, I wouldn’t have a great need to write a blog on a site called Hatredy (I’ve always hated that title and it scares away any potential readers) either. As a working stiff who simply would like an easier life myself, I say this to our carefree former blogger:

A Thank You to The Democratic Party, From a Conservative Republican

2009-01-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

Firstly, I do not pretend to be a font of brilliant political thought. I read the National Review and I read the New York Times. To be fair, I read the latter because I believe it to be important to understand your opponent. I am not a racist, I am not a fascist, I am not a sexist, I am not a religious fundamentalist and I fall to the pro-choice side of the abortion issue. I am not a tobacco chewing, moonshine drankin' son of the Confederacy. On the contrary, I am a middle class white male from New England, and more specifically, the New York Metropolitan area. That being said, I would like to comment on how unbelievably ridiculous it is that I have to preface my post with all those facts about me just to dissuade you from the idea that because I am a Republican, I am Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel, ya know... this guy...

My reason for wanting to thank the Democratic Party is quite simple. By electing a black president, you have unwittingly destroyed one of your most important rallying cries. What can you whine about now?

If we set the clock back to last year, we can see a completely different Democratic landscape. The mere fact that the DNC decided to push Obama past the Clinton political machine, (which rivals Tammany Hall) should have sent up red flags all over the place. Nevertheless, deals must have been made... ahem Mrs. Sec. of State. The Democrats were hell bent on running a black candidate, and because of that, I feel bad for Mr. Obama. They wanted desperately to look like the party of progress, the party of hope and the party of change. What better way to do that than throw a black American into the show. It is almost sickening, because when you boil down to it... yet again we see an instance of rich white people using a black man for their advantage. Way to go progressives, you set the bar high for being manipulative. The underlying damage they did to their ethos was the destruction of their most poignant socio-political point; the proclivity of Americans to be racists. There are a multitude of other issues that the left hold important and essential to their existence, but this one was their trump card.

If we look back to the fall of the Soviet Union, we see the death of the great Conservative cause... the end of European Communism and undeniable victory in the Cold War. Reagan took care of that with the help of Maggie Thatcher.. and a crumbling Soviet economy. Nevertheless, Republicans seemed lost after that pivotal moment in world history. Small issues were then manically thrown into the forefront of our political thought as Republicans, and things such as prayer in school, gun laws, and abortion rights were given far too much attention. Attention that would have been aimed at ending the Cold War, and more importantly, winning it. If you lose every dime you've ever made in a fire, you will more than likely be hell bent on getting it back. You will put all of your effort into recovery. It may take years, and you will become accustomed to having to put a ton of effort into one aspect of your life. When you gain that fortune back... what do you do with the surplus energy? Undoubtedly, you will expend it on important yet somewhat petty things until people start to shy away from you because you tend to seem "manic" in their eyes. Republicans eventually found their way back to the Republicanism of the Roget's Dictionary definition and decided a return to the fundamental principle of Republicanism, which is, and has always been, personal freedom and state's rights, was the best course of action.

Now the Democrats face the same issue. Don't be surprised if you see the Congress and the President start to really make a full court press on the Global Warming issue, or an attempt to strengthen Roe v. Wade. Don't be alarmed if you hear the term, "affirmative action" again, and above all, keep your cool if your taxes seem a bit higher to fund entitlement programs. The kicker though, is that although these issues may seem a bit fresher because of the new administration, they have all been around and discussed ad nauseum for years. The Democrats will be doing alot of re-iterating in the next few years. This is partly due to the fact, that if "new" issues are in the forefront of the American media, which is fueled by the left, Americans will not forget, but have something else to talk about other than the fact that they no longer have retirement funds. They've lost their big gun with this historical election. Now, we just have to see what they return to and how hard they drive towards whatever new goal is popular amongst college professors and the mass-media.

I am going to end this post with this statement; I am an American and I support my president. I am proud of my country for coming so far and I wish Mr. Obama success, for no other fact than, I have to live here... and I would like it to be a pleasant experience. I don't agree with the man, and in all honesty I do not trust him fully. He's an Illinois politician, and the last Illinois politician that was trustworthy was Abe... and I'm not even a big fan of him. If you are a Republican reading this, take solace in the fact that the Democrats sustained a major blow to their backbone and if history is any judge, it will not be an easy road to recovery. As for now, wishing the president to do poorly would be like punching yourself in the groin. Why? You're only going to end up hurting yourself. It is nice to say, "I told you so" and I have no doubt we'll get to say it more than a few times before this administration is phased out, but it's nicer to say, "wow America is pretty damn ok." In the mean time, look into Bobby Jindal. Above all Conservatives, cheer up, the next election is going to be here before you know it.

Writer's Note: I do not use the term African-American, just as I do not refer to myself as an Irish-American. American is just fine with me, and should be with you.

Recipe..... for Greatness! : people who DON'T deserve props, but get them anyway

2009-01-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

There are alot of people out there who are treated like Gods when they should actually be treated like ... well like everyone else. So I guess I can start this list now... before I do, let me state that these are obviously just my humble opinions. Also, I would like to ad that I am smarter than you, so these opinions should be yours as well. If they are not, work on it.

Let me get this one out of the way....

1. Barack Obama

You really have to worry about the population of a country that decides God doesn't exist, so instead they'll worship a politician. I realize that this is history in the making. I realize that Obots from here to L.A. have been excited as hell since November. I also realized a couple weeks ago that during the Israeli incursion into Gaza, more people were talking about what kind of dog Bammers was going to get for his daughters than a Middle Eastern war. (The Middle East effects us... in case you haven't noticed.) Love him or hate him... I don't care. Lets let the guy have some time in office before we decide he's the greatest American president since George Washington. People seem to be forgetting the fact that black, white, red, brown, Democrat, Republican, Christian, Muslim... all of that doesn't matter, what matters is that after all of that, under all of those adjectives; he's a politician. We all know how honest and caring politicians are. The morons in this country who have decided that this junior senator from Illinois (the most corrupt state in the union) is the Messiah have better come to grips with reality, and soon. One man is not going to change the world, or the course of this country. We will ultimately be deciding in which direction we are heading. So just try this out Obots... listen to what he says from now until he's out of office, listen to it and think... and then decide if you want to be behind whatever he is saying. Don't just pop up because Barack said 'jump'. I know it's a difficult concept to wrap your head's around, but just give it a shot. Oh and by the way, he only got 52.9% percent of the vote. That means almost HALF of the country did not vote for him. Get over yourselves.

2. Joe Torre

I am a Yankee fan. So how could I possibly say this??? Easy, he didn't win the 96 World Series, handing the Yank's their first title in 18 years. Buck Showalter and Gene Michael did. That was Showalter's team boys and girls. Showalter got the boot after the 95 season and we got big Joe. We won!!! Then we won in 98, 99, and 2000.... the talent on those teams was at such a high level that anyone could have managed those man-gods into and through the Series. I can't tell you how many times I screamed at the television, at the radio, and in the stands at Joe to get off of his big fat ass and show some spirit, get pissed off, or take a pitcher out who had been giving up dinger after dinger. Yanks win in '04 if he hadn't put Mo in the game, and just let Gordon keep doing his thing. That was the moment I realized that not only did I think Torre was overrated, but that I actually, hated the man. After we axed him last year he went to the Dodgers as you may or may not know and took his team farther than the Yanks... here's the kicker ; it was actually Manny Ramirez who pulled that team into the playoffs. Once again that pudgy fruit got to ride someone else's coat-tails into the post season. Unbelievable. He sucks.

3. Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart... well where do I begin? First off, I don't trust, nor do I respect anyone who tries to hide the fact that they are Jewish. If you're Jewish be proud. Jon Stuart Leibowitz, you are an asshole. There's nothing more pathetic than a celebrity who thinks their opinions hold water with the American public. Bill Maher falls into this category as well. Apparently, a failed comedy career is a pre-requisite in the world of liberal, pseudo journalistic entertainment. "Couldn't hack it on the stand-up circuit huh? Well that's alright, just start talking politics. Don't know anything about politics huh? Well that's alright, you're non-threatening enough. Enjoy fame!" Every comedian has to have a quick wit, and good timing. Just because you may posses those two very fine traits, it doesn't mean you're intelligent. There are alot of people in this country who apparently confuse a quip, or a punchline with cogent, serious political thought. This doesn't surprise me though. It is easier to not care and just laugh at something than to actually learn about it and form your own opinion. Jon Leibowitz, you are a putz.

4. Bruce Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen... let's call him BS to save time, and I think it's also quite fitting. Where do I begin? He's definitely the most overrated clown in the music industry. His guitar playing is sloppy and uninspired. His voice sounds like a guy singing with a dil-doh jammed up his ass, and the fact that he considers himself the working man's ambassador makes him the most unbelievable douchebag on the planet. He had a couple of hits... and since the mid nineties he's just gotten pudgier and lamer. His albums and singles flop before they drop and he's become a punchline. I remember a time when if you mentioned the words, 'worthless, pompous, self-righteous, liberal, activist, musician, jackass and butthole' in the same sentence, whoever you were talking to would immediately chime in with, "Bono!" but alas, not anymore.... Congratulations BS, you are now the crowned king of the assholes.

This list could go on and on and I will add more installments one day... but it's time consuming and I'm tired. So here is a short list of people that I have no use for..

Joni Mitchell, Rosie O'Donnell, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Mcartney, Jim Carey, Stephen Colbert, 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, Courtney Love, Kevin Smith, The bands, Poison, Chicago, The Eagles, Guns n' Roses ... just way too many out there to put down right now. Give me a week.

“Honestly Dude…” An Editor’s Rebuttal

2009-01-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

Some had been said of Johnnyboy’s recent post. I happen to know said “Jon” in the previous article and while some of that post maybe true, I know that man to be loyal, hard-working and at the very least honest. I know the man who wrote the post to occasionally be the exact opposite of those traits. This is not a tear on Johnnyboy, it’s just an observation. Like the reporter that will make the interviewee seem like more of an jerk than they really are, this is my take, stance and overall reply to Johnnyboy, as this is his life.

Chapter 1: The Saying
“Honestly Dude…” A saying said on an extremely consistent basis by John, sometimes followed up by an obvious, yet blatant lie. Honestly dude, I know you really needed a ride back from purgatory, but I had to chop down a tree with my dad for random reason #543. He really said the tree part too. Honestly dude, Rick Black’s girlfriend sucks, Ray Riggiel is a creep, Khil Macobs is too loud, Don Moncento is a meanie head, Mete Feer is this, Malex Hudor is that… Man this guy kind of dislikes a lot of people. Honestly dude, I can’t make it out, I have a laundry list of things to do including laundry. Why don’t you not waste my phone minutes and say, “To be honest sir, I really don’t want to hang out where you are going.” Period. Honestly dude, some honesty would honestly be refreshing, dude. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 2: “At Your Convenience Except Not At All”
John is the opposite of a convenience store. Come to his doorstep and maybe he will oblige you. “Hey man, what are you doing tonight?” he might ask. Well if you are not going to visit John in the closest allotted distance to his house, your conversation ends right there. Everywhere is too expensive for him and if we could hark back to gas prices from the 70s, it would still be too expensive for John. Oh, plus he’d have to leave his house just to get said gas. In fact a friend of his just had to move down literally within walking distance to see John on a regular basis, but we’ll get to that closet case in a little while. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 3: When Life Gets A Bit Rough, Wear The Same Clothes
Some guys try to mix it up with a tie or a blazer like the asshole in the previous article, while others don’t have that option because they don’t have the money to do so. John-knee –boy on the other hand, just doesn’t feel like it. Don’t go with what works, go with what you know. “Not everyone at the same empty bar I go to saw me in my turquoise half-zip fleece with a cigarette burn from Kohl’s, let’s make sure they do.” Well, he’s not materialistic; I’ll give him that. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 4:The Laziest Rev. Jim Jones or Bow To Me Faithfully
So why does John rarely leave his own backyard or as my old man says “become a gangster in your own neighborhood?” The answer is simple; he has his own 1 member fan club. For the sake of sakes and to produce at least some semblance of anonymity we’ll call this Cable Guy of a fan/friend Rayson Reiggiel. So no matter who never wants to hang out ever again, John has Raye to answer to his every whim. At the very least John never has to worry about losing a friend or fear that everyone will revolt against him because Rey will always be there. A long time ago, John was the life of the party, city, and southern Connecticut (the area not school). Hanging out with John meant that you stood a chance of getting laid (with a woman), you will meet random cool people, go to a party you never knew you wanted to attend and get drunk. It was like watching the original Caddyshack for the very first time, it was great. The past 3-5 years have played up like Caddyshack II. Some glimmer of promise and hope, but let’s face it, now you’ll get drunk, but only on his terms. The show’s over. Don’t tell that to Rhayson though. He still feels that ol Johnnyboy still gots it and it’s a matter of time before those happy days will be here again, henceforth will do whatever John asks of him. At least Barney Rubbel, Gillian, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Bob and Chachi had some backbone and their own opinions/storylines. I guess having your own personal lackey by your side means at least one person thinks you are always right all of the time. Remember the scene in Boogie Nights where Philip Seymor Hoffman (or Philmore Hoffman for you drinkers out there) tries to kiss Mark Walberg. Our entire group of friends have been waiting for Raymore Hoffman to attack John Diggler any day now for years. (The similarities between John and Dirk end there too). I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Chapter 5: Fountain of Youth
John has managed to find the fountain of youth, but apparently you are a young college man if you go to school for your bachelor’s degree for over eight years. You don’t stop getting older because you continue to go to school. John I would encourage to respond to this, but you probably can’t because you are writing a term paper…but likely blowing it off (which is why you are still in school to begin with). I only graduated two years earlier (putting my lazy ass at nearly six years), so I can’t fault John at all. Besides, it’s not like he’s doing nothing with his life, simply waiting for some inheritance he doesn’t deserve. I totally vouch for the kid, though.

Aside from these factors, along with alcohol abuse, cigarette abuse, dirty cars and talking over people he’s a great friend. Strong family values, funny stories, natural charm when he wants to use it, the gift of the gab, intelligence and another random character trait that escapes me right now describe John very well. He is my friend and I can’t really conclude this positively, so I’ll end it on that, besides I just came from Black Rock myself and don’t feel like it. Happy New Year. Adios.

"Everyone plays the rules", Things I've Learned from My Friend Jon

2009-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well, What can you say about a guy who greets every serious question you ask him with the same face you see above? Actually, there is a great deal to be said. Let me start off by saying that this lovable bastard is a good friend of mine, in my top three without a doubt. That being said, and out of the way, he is a bit of an asshole. It's hard to say you grew up with someone without having a friendship tenure of at least ten years, and Jon and I are almost there, so for the purposes of this post, I will say that we grew up together. In many respects we did. High School, College and everything that goes along with it an along side of it. I think the true value of a friend is being able to observe the way you deal with situations, and then realize that what you are doing, or thinking, or saying is exactly what your friend would do. Without further ado.... some things I've learned from Jon.

1. Saying you're sorry should have an end result of the other person feeling bad.

It's easy to tell where this list is going to go from that first lesson. This is one lesson that I kind of already knew, but it was perfect in the personage of Jon. I have never gotten an apology from this kid that didn't end with, "but you know John, you did some pretty rotten ... etc..", or begin with, "I wouldn't have said what I said if you hadn't done _____ to me..". Saying sorry is a pain in the ass and a waste of time. Let's face it, if you do or say something that pisses someone off or hurts someone, even though you're "sorry", you said or did it anyway; which means at the time you wanted to say or do whatever you said or did. If you want to apologize, say that you're sorry for hurting the persons' feelings... leave it at that. Or you can take a page out of Jon's book... and make the person feel worse for asking for an apology in the first place. You can't be wrong if the other person is never right.

2. Every once in a while, wear a tie.

This is a very thought out approach to camouflage a life made up of complete misery, drunkenness, womanizing and theft with a little bit of class. I used to have a saying back in college, "never let 'em see the wizard." I used to use this expression when I was referring to girls and not letting them see the "real" you. I used to get alot of flack for that saying, and alot from Jon. He thought it was lame. Now, 5 years later, he's not saying it... he's fucking living it. There is no reason for this man to ever wear a tie, unless he is at a funeral, wedding or his inevitable arraignment, trial and sentencing. That being said... it looks good. Every man looks good in a tie, and theres no denying it. A tie says to all those who see the person, "this guy either has money, a decent job, or has a large inheritance." The cold truth is much different, but that's not the point. While you have that tie on, you're Don Draper, in real life... you're more like Don Carney; kinda funny, used to have an edge but now you're just fucking dead. That last analogy was not meant just for Jon, but for you, dear reader; you fucking hump.

3. If you're not successful, pretend.

I don't know much about what Jon does for a living. I have no idea what a day in the life of Jon at work is like but from what I can tell, it basically consists of making copies, discussing lunch options with "clients" and prank calling me. For the past few years, Jon has been "making moves", to quote the man himself. Not only has he been making moves, he's been smugly holding them over his friends' heads. A. if that is the case... the moves are baby steps as he is still in the same boat as the rest of us to one degree or another. B. He has made no moves whatsoever and leaves home in the morning and sits in libraries, coffee shops and museums until he can come home after a "long day's work." Either case, the man makes an interesting point. Who wants to be around a loser? If I told it like it was to everyone, I would only have a friend or two left. No one wants to hear the true story. Gussy that tale of woe and heartbreak up, and if possible, throw a nice job into the mix. I have no doubt that Jon will be a success one day, he is talented enough and intelligent enough; and if he doesn't... well, I want to say "good", but I can't do that. If he doesn't I'm sure one of us will bail him out. Won't be me though, I'll probably still be in school.

4. Always look on the bright side.

I did NOT learn this from Jon. Jon will always look at things in the worst way so that if they turn out good, it will be a pleasant surprise for him. He believes this to the point where at one time I was worried that he was contemplating suicide when he was actually excited about a date. Listen people, always look on the bright side of life. I believe that firmly because if we don't we will all become like Jon. The world has one J.A.F... and it doesn't need, nor could it survive another. If you don't know Jon, this won't make much sense, but to all of those who are reading this who do know the man... lemme guess, seconds ago when you read, "The world has one J.A.F... and it doesn't need, nor could it survive another..", you smiled to yourself, chuckled to yourself, cringed or whatever, but you fucking agreed.

5. Have a role model.

I'll finish this list off with this most important of points. I know Jon has some role models, in fact I'm pretty sure I could name a couple. But I think they suck, and this is my post, so I give you... Old Gil Gunderson. Jon and Gil are not alike really, but in a way parallels can be drawn. Look at that picture of up there and lets see, they both wear a tie, they both have desk jobs, they both keep bottles of antacids around, and they both have a defeatist attitude and low expectations all the time. Come to think of it, they're not only alike... they're the exact same person. Jon Gunderson. It sounds good. Having a role model will lead you in the right direction, and if it doesn't... in the words of the man I am honoring, "I could really care less, I have my own shit to deal with."

To be clear, this post is in no way an attack on Jon. It's an attack on you, and more importantly me. I have to be friends with this guy.

Happy New Year From Hatredy

2008-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

While I am sick as I type this, it is apparently clear that cold and flu season is upon us. As 2008 concludes, the one constant is shitty weather and runny noses. We need a formula that speaks to US for a cure. We need a syrup that is as gritty and old school as the weathered streets of Bridgeport, Connecticut. I give you a fresh face with a taste of yore, I give you Farmer Stinky John's Melikough Syrup...

That's right Hatredy's own Johnnyboy's first endorsed product! Honestly dude, I can't wait to get me some pessimistic goodness from Garden Terrace (a subsidiary of the Gillman Group).

Side effects may include: upset stomach, dirty jackets, musty living, black lung, erections lasting less than 32 seconds, whiskey dick, more bills, an angry wang and extreme bouts of laziness well after symptoms subside.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

2008-12-22T15:59:00.001-08:00

“What’s your favorite show?” “I don’t have time to watch television.” First of all, you are a fucking liar. Everybody squeezes in their share of hours on the tube, at the very least weekly. If you are too busy eating tofu and trying not to break your own neck (as you try to suck your own dick), then surely your wi-fi connection at Starfucks on your Macbook Air, you watch Hulu or any number of online webcasts. My point is everyone watches television. Everyone also has to deal with commercials that come with this form of entertainment. We always will, you have to pay the bills somehow. Back in the day, be it cars, beer, food, toys and household products that dominated these 4 minute breaks. Now, even during a damn NFL game, I see commercials for pills and other medications. Whether it is acid reflux (motherfucking check on that) or trying to pop a boner (check in 10-30 years or when I’m way too drunk), these commercials are rampant. Then I see these anti-depressant commercials, ah I don’t need pills to make me happy (Although other staff here would beg to differ). That’s what booze are for. But those commercials make a fair point. However, I am more of a natural high type of guy. I hate working out, but I like the feeling I get when I lose a couple of pounds and avoid growing a nice rack of man-boobs for another few years. I like the smell of fresh baked cookies or a mid-day nap. But then again there are some things I like that I can’t necessarily talk about at lunch with my co-workers, so here it is a list of things that make me happy. A long few years ago, a big Yale offensive lineman in a drunken rage told my father that I am an asshole. He then stared me down, with a frozen pizza box in hand and uttered these words, “Jon, you are a miserable bastard and are going to die alone.” He then threw the pizza box at my beloved Lazy Boy chair. I then thought to myself, “Well, I can barely share a queen size bed with a lady, much less a casket.” While that man still holds a lifelong grudge against me, I am really not that bad of a guy. I’m not that miserable, but what is being happy? I’ll tell you what happy is…

Getting a blowjob without having to return the favor. Don’t get me wrong if the maincourse is just of the oral consent, I don’t mind going down on a fresh, nubile vagina. In fact, I’ve repeatedly been told that I am a champ at it (it can be a hairy situation at times though). Sometimes after a long day it just hurts my neck and I don’t feel like it. If the girl doesn’t care (or I don’t care about her) I’ll take a benevolent blowjob any day of the week. I know what you’re thinking: penetrating is great (and it is!), but there are days (specifically lazy Sundays) where I’ll just as well take that blowjob and get off just as much. You know what got me off the most? The fact that I contributed absolutely nothing to the cause…oh yeah and her mouth. Next...

Taking a big, old fashioned dump. Oh I just did one, which is making me write this post. So as I’ve alluded to earlier, I have an acid reflux issue and yes it sucks. The short end of the story is that I oft take shits. Some messy, some refreshingly quick, some after drinking beer (the uglies). Every now and again there will be the perfect dump. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. There was a time several years ago when I took Imodium…in massive amounts. I was on vacation and with my stomach problems mounting, I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from letting loose, pun intended. I guess I got Imodium confused with Tums and Gas-X and didn’t take a shit for nearly five days. Five days of burgers, fries, milkshakes, cookies, chips, beer, hard alcohol, soft alcohol, chicken wings, pizza and late night bags of greasy chips and other unhealthy garbage all sitting in my stomach. After three days, I embarrassingly told a buddy about this problem. Was it a change in scenery? Were my stomach and asshole on non-speaking terms? He bluntly explained just what Imodium does so now I play the waiting game and have to stew in my poopy juices. Well the waiting game concluded once I returned from my vacation…at work. Relieved, I went…and went. It might have been a Guinness Book record. I even took a picture of it to share with my co-workers. Now I know what it feels like to give birth to a little shit of a child.

Eating enough raw cookie dough to give me a stomachache. Actually that one is pretty straight forward, it’s just delicious.

Imitating a friend’s voice…until he or she wants to physically harm you. So I have a small talent, or so I’ve been told that I can imitate some people pretty well. We all know it is an extrapolation of how the imitatee acts, but it’s not always seen that way. I’ve been told imitation is the best form of flattery, so I view my imitations as just that. If I really hated someone’s guts, why would I have put the time in to do an imitation in the first place? When people are drunk or angry…or both, they often tell you how they feel about you without pulling any punches. Some is said at merely the heat of the moment and should not be taken seriously at sober, less raging, happier times. The same goes for an imitation. Once you discover funny words to say as an imitator, you test it out in the car, then in front of a friend, then a group of friends, then a bar, all while doing this behind the imitatee’s back (especially if it is a dead-on imitation). Eventually, this becomes a cycle of life for you and your group of friends. You get ready to go out, get in your car, buy the beer, get drunk and do the imitation. After a period of time, you start to do the voice (usually in a very sly manner) in front of the person you are imitating. Sometimes, the person will recognize this and say, “Hey is that me!?! Haha, that’s pretty good.” In a perfect world, said person would even embrace it to the point where, it grows old and runs its course. Most of my friends, however, are the ones that will tell me my faults and quirks. Tell me how I don’t know when enough is enough, tell me how drunk I got last night and tell me about the regrettable women I’ve pleasured or displeasured. Out of all of my friends, I will be the first to admit that my tongue is way to sharp for its own good. I can break a person down to a point where their only riposte is physical harm towards me. Good comeback. Where was I going with this?

Retro video games, hanging out with my nieces and nephew (because they are more interesting to talk to rather than the miserable adults in the family), sex in which the woman lets me really have my way, a great meal of Italian or Spanish food, the first date with a chick I actually might like, money, gigantic HDTVs, refreshingly pleasing customer service, watching a great flick, stupid viral clips, the perfect haircut, knowing I have the drive to be more successful than most of my friends, discovering a great band’s catalog for the first time, being pleasantly surprised (by an unsuspecting movie/CD), a great sports game, the feeling you get from drinking right in between the buzz and being too drunk, buying gadgets/movies I don’t really need and laughing so hard it hurts are other less detailed things that place me in high spirits. Overall, I am not very difficult to please. A big flaw, at least in the eyes of people that think they know me, is that I love to laugh. Sometimes at what, is questionable. The bottom line, is while you are breaking down my character in your head while angrily crying yourself to sleep listening to Papa Roach’s Last Resort, I am having a rough time sleeping as well, but only because my 50 inch television gives off a ton of light. The truth of it all is this: I’m better than you and during this ecomonic crisis some extra money can in fact buy happiness. Just remember kids, a laugh at someone else's expense, exhilarating dumps and blowjobs (if you apply yourself) are free and great. So be a jerk, take a shit and whip it out life is too short (just not in my direction).

Embracing Economic Collapse

2008-09-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

I think its fucking great. I just read that the bail-out plan posed by Congress has been shot down, and I for one almost blew my load. I bet by tonight or by the end of the week, they'll have passed something which will bail out Wall Street, and save the country blah blah blah... but as for right now, I can be happy. Buying up the bad debt in this country is paramount to becoming socialists. Couldn't afford a 2 million dollar mcmansion but took out a mortgage you wouldn't be able to pay off anyway? Then FUCK YOU, welcome to the trailer park.

The people who are going to be hurt by this, or more importantly the only people that I give a shit about in this instance, are the middle class Americans who are going to see their 401 K's etc. raped by this. That reason alone should be enough to send those Wall Street cocksuckers to jail for life. Greed corrupts, and we all know that, but now we can actually see it. I am grinning from ear to ear just contemplating the clenched fisted anxiety and panic that the "upper crust" are feeling right now.

I say fuck em. Get together in groups, if you're retirement plans, or your hard earned money has been negatively effected by this, and go storm the Country Clubs. Burn them down, sink the boats at the yacht clubs, slash tires on Mercedes, throw dog shit at mansions, and when you see a guy walking down the street wearing shoes that are worth more than you make in two weeks, beat the ever living shit out of him and shove his shoes up his ass. Man it feels good to watch them cringe.

(I am in no way advocating violence, destruction of property or vandalism... If you feel the need to engage in such activities, enjoy prison.)

The Olympics... Give Me a %@%$!#& Break

2008-08-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Alright the Olympics are over, and fat-assed house wives from the mid-west and the elderly are crying in their porridge. I for one, am happy. The Olympics are the biggest, most hyped-up bullshit collection of sporting events around today. Does anyone really care? Maybe Jamaicans and Estonians but as Americans, we have entertaining sports to watch. Most Americans who watched the Olympics watched the U.S. basketball team and Michael Phelps... do you know who those Americans were?? Answer : American basketball fans and people who enjoy watching a good freakshow. Michael Phelps is a double jointed, stubby legged, calorie slurping troglodyte who resembles Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from the Simpsons. Retard strength at its finest. Who knows, maybe the clown was born in Atlantis.
I would respect, and maybe even watch the Olympics if they were played every four years, in Greece, and only if the sports were classic and period. Discus, Javelin, Running, Wrestling..... the real shit. I doubt the original Olympians had synchronized diving, BMX'ing or ping pong in their plans. Shit, I bet if you had proposed one of those "hobbies" to the original Olympians, they would probably have given you a quizzical look and then skewered your beer gut on a spear. (Due to the fact that they wouldn't have any idea what a BMX was, and you probably wouldn't be speaking ancient Greek.) Alas, 'ti's not to be. We're stuck with a bunch of bullshit sports that no one gives a shit about.
Running. Theres a fucking joke. Every race some lanky Jamaican or Nigerian wins. I don't even know why white guys try. Lets face it folks, they're running either in a straight line, or a big loop. Wow, what athletes. How 'bout next time around, the crowd can throw things at the runners, or even try to tackle them. Snipers should be dispatched all around the arena and every once in a while a runaway car should make an appearance on the track. Lets see you outrun a .556 Usain. I say fill the pools with salt water and aggressive sharks. If you can swim fast, great... now lets see if you can outrun Jaws, Michael.. my bet is you can't.
That IOC (International Olympic Committee) is a waste of time. What a great beacon of sports and sportsmanship. Allow blatant cheating when it comes to an athlete from the host country, and then on top of that, allow the whole damn thing to take place in a communist country that has been systematically destroying the spirit of not only it's own people, but the people of an oppressed country called... oh... Tibet for years. Justice and sport for all! If Michael Phelps had any class, or any sort of real American Patriotism, he would take his medals and return them to the committee. Or ask that the gold be melted down and the money sent to a family in Tibet. All the American athletes should. Would they accept medals from Iran, or Syria? Same thing people. Just goes to show that the Olympic spirit of thousands of years ago is dead and gone.
At least the shitshow known as the Olympics is over, and I don't have to hear about it for another four years. Just knowing that it's coming back though is enough to make my blood boil. If that wasn't bad enough... the Winter Olympics are coming up... I think. Great. The ancient Greek tradition of ski-jumping and bobsledding will live on for years to come. I think I'm going to be sick.

No Hatred Tonight... G'bye To a Great Yankee

2008-07-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

Two R.I.P posts on a blog created for laughs seems a bit much. Sorry kids, Jondrama, Phil and I are Yankee fans. Adios Bobby Murcer.

He never won a ring with the Yanks. He played his ass off though. Batted a career .277 with 252 homers and 1,043 RBI's. Not too shabby. As a Yankee fan who began his journey through the wonder of the pinstripes during the 80's, I missed his time on the squad. He played his last year the year I was born though, so I feel that I was around for the Murcer years. I knew of Murcer through his wonderful commentary. His back woods, small town, hicky slang mingled with and burned in the bright lights of the big apple. The kid from Oklahoma was more a New Yorker than half of the guys on the grand squad from the Bronx these days. He bled baseball, and more importantly, he bled pinstripes. Love the Yanks or hate them, no one can say they didn't have a soft spot in their hearts for Bobby.

Allen is a story we hear from our grandparents, Rizzuto is a fond memory, Sterling is a great alternative to watching the Bombers on the tube, and Bobby is a player/announcer Yankee legend. From his, "doggoneit's" to his, "that's a fine play right there" and finally to his, "ahhh, well... that's baseball" s <----if you know that one, you're a Yankee fan.. we are going to miss Bobby and his re-assuring voice. On the field, the scrappy outfielder never said die, and against cancer, he fought it tooth and nail, but even legends are human beings. Bobby, we hope you're in a better place, playing ball on perfect green fields, catching balls on great hops in short center, giving you great chances at nailing the opposition's speedster at the plate. We're going to miss your voice, your presence and your love for the game, and for the pinstripes. Rest in peace Bobby... have a round with Gherig, Ruth, DiMaggio and Mantle on us down here. I for one can't wait to meet you one day.

R. I. P Bobby Murcer

NYY 1965-1974 1979-1983

A Few Reasons Why I'm Better Than You

2008-07-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've decided to put down a few of the reasons why I am superior to you, dear reader. I could go on for volumes on the topic but I simply do not have the time. So here are a few...

1. My Voice
I have the kind of voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like a cub scout. No matter how many cigarettes you smoke, how many times you scream until your throat is sore and red... you will never have the same velvety, masculine tone that I can pull out at a moments notice. Rupert Murdock actually asked me never to go into radio, as this move would destroy his Fox Network and T.V. in general. One time a girl sucked my dick in front of her parents just because of the way I said, "I really dig your shoes."

2. Intelligence
Don't even try it mongo, I am smarter than you. Sometimes I find it hard to date because of the inevitable feeling, of being unworthy to wipe my ass, women feel when they, "pick my brain." I can make someone feel stupid in seconds by ripping apart their deepest and most secure dreams and aspirations. Plainly put, I make people want to kill themselves because they know they'll never reach my level mentally. You'd think, that this kind of belief would inspire someone to increase their level of intelligence, but you're wrong. Because you're stupid.

3. Sexual Prowess
Oh yeah, that's right. Every move you've ever put on a partner, fails in comparison to the lamest moves in my vast repertoire. While you're struggling to slip your greasy finger into some co-ed's pants, I am gently setting the mood by lighting incenses from the fairest regions of the mysterious Orient.. while you're trying to unbutton your button fly pants ( yeah you're probably one of those losers who wears button fly ) I am hand feeding my conquest fresh cherrystone's on the half shell with drawn truffle butter. While you're feebly humping away at Krystal, or Sharice, or whatever your pathetic target's name is, I am holding back my orgasm with ancient tantric pelvic restriction methods, whilst taking my conquest to new levels of ecstasy while my horse-cock does a calisthenics routine three feet deep in her snatch. Have you ever heard a woman you've JUST met say, "by everything holy in this universe I pray that you got me pregnant."? No you haven't, and you never will. I hear it two, three times a week.

4. I Never Lose Fights
Oh sure, I bet you've won a fight or two.... but have you won them all? Nope. Well guess what, I have. I carry a large caliber hand-gun. No one is going to beat me in a bar fight, road rage incident or anything which may lead to fisticuffs. You know what I call fisticuffs? 'Pulloutmygunicuffs'. I would fight Kimbo, Tyson, or any of those UFC fuckers, and I'd win ; because the night before the fight I would sneak into their homes and shoot them. Cowardly? Sure, but I'm alive, you're dead, I win.

There will be more soon my friends, but right now I need to rest my superior brain and jerk off with my bigger more powerful hands and wang.

He's Screaming Up at Us

2008-06-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

I really can't do George Carlin any more justice than Jon, or any other of the dozens of brilliant writers who have expressed their love and admiration for the man since he passed. So instead I'm just going to tell you what the man meant to me.

George Carlin is the reason this blog is here.

Until about 1999, I was quite unknowing in the ways of comedy. I knew funny when I saw it, but couldn't separate or replicate it. Like everyone "I loved to laugh" (Thank You Patton Oswalt), but when it came to my own understanding of comedy, I was very awkward. I can distinctly recall the first time I made a group of people laugh intentionally. It was the spring of 1999, I was a freshman in high school, and during a music class, the teacher said "Pachelbel" and I immediately quipped "Did you say Taco Bell?". The whole room laughed. It felt amazing.

Christmas of that year, my parents bought a CD for my brother and I called "You Are All Diseased". "What's this?" we asked. "Stand-up Comedy" said my parents. I was unaware that, like music, which makes you feel emotions, there were CDs that made you laugh. More than CDs. People. People who, without clown make-up, could just say funny things that would make me die laughing.

A short list of all the people George Carlin introduced me to:
Patton Oswalt, Zach Galafianakis, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford, David Cross, Eugene Mirman, H. Jon Benjamin, Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.) Morgan Murphy, Demetri Martin, Doug Benson, Arj Barker, Tony Camin, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks (R.I.P.), Louis C.K., Daniel Tosh, Jay Mohr, Jim Bruer, Jim Gaffigan, Kevin James, Mike Birbiglia, Todd Barry, Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Attell, Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, David Wainever he feels like it, Nick Swardson, Chris Hardwick, Nick Thune, Todd Glass, Neil Hamburger, Ian Edwards, Scott Aukerman, Mindy Kaling, Dan Mintz, Paul F. Tompkins, Early Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, Jonathan Katz, Ron White, and Dana Carvey.

If I had never gotten that first George Carlin CD, I would have no idea what funny is.

Like many other events in my life (or certain events in anyones life), I can distinctly recall where I was, what I was doing, when I heard George was dead. I was sleeping. I had been ignoring my phone, except to see who called or texted. John texted me at 12:01pm. "Farewell, Mr. Carlin". I immediately jumped out of bed and went to Yahoo!News. It was horribly, awfully true.

Which brings me to my conclusion. Phrases like "I laughed, I cried" are exactly the kind of crap George hated. I hate them too. But I'll say this: George Carlin made me laugh, and cry. I laughed everytime I heard his voice, and cried my eyes out when I knew I'd never hear it say something new, and funny, and intelligent, and profound.

He's Screaming Up at Us.

I'll always be listening.

"....But the great thing about George is, he left us hours upon hours of video to remember him with."- Jon Stewart

RIP GEORGE CARLIN 5.12.1937-6.22.2008

The Funniest Grandpa I Ever Knew

2008-06-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I never really knew my grandfathers. On my Italian side, my grandfather was your traditional hard worker that made sure he put food on the table for his family. He seemed like a great man, but died ten years before I was born. On my Puerto Rican side, my grandfather lived on the island, while I lived here in the states. He seemed like a fun-loving, great guy, but passed away when I was five, so I never really got to know him and my memories of him are pleasant, but limited. Where am I going with this? When I have kids and they have kids, I guess my days are numbered.

So where does an impressionable young boy go to find a grandfather-like figure? Many, many years ago our family received (by accident and illegally) HBO. Sure there were your new movies as always on Saturday nights, but on rare occasions (even rarer today) they would have stand-up comedian preform. As a young kid, I saw this mean looking man with a white beard and ponytail, dressed in all black standing alone on stage making people laugh by saying bad words. He cursed, made funny faces, acted animated, and made my brother and father laugh. Most importantly, there was some push back on my mom’s part with me watching it, so I knew I absolutely had to. I was memorized. I didn’t even know what I was laughing at most of the time, but it was never forced laughter. It was George Carlin. He could tell you about the state of the economy, question religion, present some observational ramblings, then crack a few fart jokes. That what I loved about Carlin. He was never above what makes us all laugh (even if we think we are too old for it) with the most intelligent things a mortal man would never think of or the simplest things in life that we take for granted. He challenged and pushed the boundaries of free speech, makes no apologies and made it look easy. Comedians like Carlin don’t grow old and die, they become legends and pioneers. If my family, friends, colleagues, associates, romantic interests, and co-workers have wondered why I complain, make off-the cuff remarks, say things that others are afraid to say, make inappropriate jokes, and question “the system”? It’s because I probably listened to too many George Carlin records in my time and have tried to emulate his style, sometimes knowingly, often unknowingly. I write on this blog and feel like an asshole-weirdo with some of the absurd things I say. Why do I say these things? Why do I think these things? Am I insane? Am I adopted? Am I drunk? (yes, no, and most of the time). About a month ago, I listened to some of my old Carlin CDs and realized one thing: he did it first. I no longer felt alone. He set the standard and all I can do is follow in footsteps, as only this patriarch and grandfather of comedy can do.

On the subject of George Carlin, I wrote a blog a couple of months ago after listening to a few his CDs. I got inspired and wrote this blog, which is angry, weird, and absurd. In the vein of (but not as good as, hey I’m not a professional, fuck off) George Carlin, here is…

Thinking Wilde

"Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde said that. Nothing more wilde has ever been so true (although that dude was a freak). Truth be told, be it written, printed, AIM away message (more on that here), or Facebook, a lot of people quote. Why? Some people want to be holistic (The Bible), some people want to be clever (insert comedian here), and some people want to get punched in the face (Paris Hilton or random whore here). Frankly, we have all quoted someone’s brain droppings at some point because we ourselves have nothing overly creative to say. Even in high school, we sum up the accumulation of 4 years (or more) by inserting a quote in our senior yearbook. I never did that, though. While my peers were quoting Steely Dan, The Bible, and Positive K (I got a man), I had zilch under my name. In hindsight, I deeply regret it. In further hindsight, I don’t at all, but in the furthest hindsight, I kind of do again. My biggest initial obstacle in failing to choose a person to quote was making sure another classmate (especially one I loathed) hadn’t already chosen the quote I likely had my probably bloodshot (I don’t remember) eyes on. I always wanted to quote someone that has never been quoted before. My choice today would have to be George Carlin. Although he is a quotable fellow that had been cited a ton of times, I recall George on stage one night pondering a sentence that had never been uttered by another human being…ever. It had to be first-rate and completely outlandish. He then came up with, “As soon as I pull this hot poker out of my ass, I’m going to chop my dick off!!” Carlin was the first ever to string those bizarre words together (I hope at least). Has that ever been quoted, in a yearbook no less? I think not.

As seen here at the 1:16 mark:

Ok, so that one is a bit extreme. I have actually seen the quote "Make love, not war" in a yearbook. While I thought that was cliche, George Carlin actually wished he was the man that created it. He didn't, so he offered up this one: "Make fuck, not kill." We have a winner, teach. It’s great to be the first. I can’t wait for that 10 year reunion coming up. So with the way technology changes, the way we can “quote” changes as well. For those of us who are too money for reading, you can watch videos online instead. Dig this, daddio, you can embed (or “put in” for you normals) videos into your own website text or Blogger account (that’s us!). I like that word embed, it’s a classy way of saying rape. That would make the news less nauseating. While we have the sentence “Serial killer Prance Hartfeld raped this latest victim”, the word “embed” and some additional synonyms could change that. Entertainment in installments eradicator Slick Prance Hartfeld embedded his swinebeast in his least tardy chicky-poo that was askin’ for it. Okay, that’s appalling. Admittedly, I’ve raped YouTube videos onto this blog. Our own Blogger Phil even tried serial rape his way into becoming the unofficial poster-boy for HULU. What better way to be original than show a video someone else made (several years ago at that). I digress, I suppose I never really cared what my peers thought of my in high school. In fact, a Carlin quote I always used for my AIM profile (talk about hypocritical) was "People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. " Anyway, back to my yearbook quote, I wonder what that quote would look like had I been on our crack yearbook staff…..

In any case, thanks, George. You will be greatly missed by this asshole. Let us know if God is anything like Joe Pesci like you wanted. Rest in Peace, you will not be forgotten.

Saying Goodbye To the King... R.I.P George Carlin

2008-06-23T18:46:00.001-07:00

The world of bitching lost it's greatest ambassador today. Rest In Peace, George Carlin. From rants ranging from tongue-in-cheek to true on hate... we are going to miss his gruff voice, his ratty goatee, and his stance on well, everything. JonDrama is planning a tribute post in the man's honor and I am sure that it will not disappoint, but I felt it proper, that this blog should put up a post on the date of his passing. Thanks for the years of hilarity, the way he made us think about things we took as fact and the escape from social bullshit that he offered. I'd say, "he's with God now", but he'd probably call me a schmuck for it. Anyway... see you in the good land Irishman.

Hatredy Sports: A Single, A Double, and a Walk-off Mustache

2008-06-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this blog is as worthless as Phil's HULU suckfest, but come on, look at that. It's Jason Giambi's moving tribute to Don Mattingly circa his "Hitman" era playing days. I for one love it. Clean-cut Yankees manager Joe Girardi has viewed all the scouting reports and believes the Yankees owe their recent success to the power of the mustache. Johnny Damon and others are following. As for Giambi, he's breaking slumps and the hearts of single 40-something women everywhere. No mortal man can be certain as to when the first whiskers sprouted on Giambi’s upper lip but since May 15th Giambi has a .388 batting average with 5 dingers and 11 RBIs. Oh, not to mention he has upped his batting average 77 points from .181 to a much more respectable .258. How cool are Burt Renyolds and Tom Selleck now? Now the Yanks have a bit of a winning streak, so come along for the mustache ride, drink a brew or 10 and enjoy the summer.

P.S. I realized the ladies may like a fella with a clean-cut look. Well sorry, ladies if you want a clean stache, it's going to look a lot like this....

So do you want to know why you can never have this guy, ladies? Because he is strong, sensitive, and has a boyfriend. And yes, he is the best Met of the past 15 years. Kind of sad really. My third blog on mustaches, but don't worry I don't play on Piazza's team.

A Declaration Of Independence

2008-06-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

In CONGRESS, June 13, 2008

The unanimous Declaration of Independence from the Blog of Hatredy

When in the course of human events it becomes painfully clear that the founder of a blog has forsaken its' existence and left its' contributors to piss blindly into the wind it becomes self evident that it is altogether fitting and proper that the contributors should dissolve all allegiance to said blog and its' tyrannical creator. Phil R. Jacobs has become an abomination to the world of blogging. It has been thusly left to myself and my colleague Jonathan A. Dramathan to rear this bastard-child into a productive beacon of hope for all those who hate. In the beginning our creator posted regularly, and with much studious hilarity. In recent times, the posts have been few and when they do appear they bring much shame to the Blog of Hatredy. Hulu Phil? C'mon. We are told half-truths of busy days toiling for mere dollars and tails of a dog which has become a behemoth of hell which plagues our nights out with the Tyrant, Phil. We are told of female troubles. We are told of personal health issues. We are told of others whom just recently have returned to the fold with false-promises of powder-snow dreams. We have been replaced with false idols and have suffered through all slings and arrows without a word. Today June, 13 2008, Jonathan A. Dramathan and John N. Melonballs have decided to pledge to ourselves our sacred honor as writers of Hatredy and hereby as of this day dissolve all allegiance to the Blog and its' creator, which govern all matters of tact, prudence and language. From here out as contributors we shall post freely what we truly feel, yet were unable to properly convey, due to our newly destroyed ties to the original creator. As of this day, Hatredy will no longer exist an Shitshow Blog is created. In name we are to remain hatredy, but in spirit, Shitshow shall reign forever. We are to no longer be be-littled, we are to no longer be subject to talking about Phil's hair, nor shall we stand for the slander of our Sacred crew of 4B, by the names and petty anecdotes of outsiders. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created somewhat-equal, but it is our sacred right, to rebel against tyrants in the name of free literary expression.

John N. Melonballs

Jonathan A. Dramathan

June 13 2008

This One Might Piss Some People Off

2008-06-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

Here we go folks... another list. Tough titty, deal with it

Things Hitler Could Have Done To Make Himself Seem Less Evil

1. Get Rid of That Moustache
What the hell was he thinking? That thing just reeks of evil. Hell even psychos in old timey movies had Snidely Whiplash handle bar moustaches. Even though 'ol Snidely was trying the blond virgin to the train tracks, there was something about that 'stash that made you think, "eh I kinda like this guy." Sorry Adolph... the moustache was a bad idea.

2. Instead of Killing Millions of Jews, Kill Millions of Coldplay Fans.
So what if they didn't exist in the 1930's-1940's... They all deserve to get it. There's nothing more dis-heartening than flipping on the radio and hearing that whiny bullshit band clanging away. It almost makes me want to drive my car into a tree. Maybe he could have killed the forefathers of Coldplay fans... how would he have know you ask? Just round up all the guys out there who cry when they see a flower, or guys who wore socks that matched their shirts. Bastards all of them.

3. Stop Yelling All The Fucking Time
Did he have to yell all the time? I mean c'mon Aloise (yes if you didn't know the bastard's real name was Aloise Shicklegruber, Adolph Hitler doesn't sound too bad now does it?) just pipe down. What was it like taking that guys order in a restaurant? "And for you mien fuhrer?" "GIVE ME THE CHICKEN, THE CHICKEN, NO RICE, I HATE RICE, MAYBE SOME ICE WATER TO HAVE WITH IT, MY TUMMY HURTS!!! DO YOU HAVE ALKA SELTZER??" No wonder his ho offed herself.

4. Stop Trying to Kill My Grandfather
OK so maybe Hitler didn't personally try to kill my Grandfather, but his fucking army sure as hell made it a mission to do so. That shit pisses me off. My Grandfather waxed a shitload of Nazi's and that's pretty awesome. He probably would have gotten alot more if they hadn't been shooting at his tank constantly. Dirty Nazi schmucks... they had to make things complicated.

5. Shot Himself About Twenty Years Before 1945
What would people say about him then? "Oh yeah Hitler? yeah he was that short weirdo painter who wrote that book about how he was the man and that Jews and pretty much everyone else in the world were bad. He was a dick dude... but who cares, lets get some pizza."

Hitler was a mass-murdering cocksucker, but there are still backwards psychos out there who think he was A-OK. What a world. Wow I want pizza now.

Lazy Sunday Blogging

2008-06-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Fuck effort. For the record, I do put some into this, but I'm hungover today. My head hurts. My stomach is growling (I don't know if it wants food or wants to reject it). I'm pretty sure I made an ass out of myself last night (as my late night phone log would dictate). Yet the world is at my fingertips. It's Sunday. I might sleep all day. I might buy an X Box 360. I might visit Grandma. I might buy Grandma an X Box 360 and take a nap. Who knows? There's a lot to do today, so I don't have time to type. Instead, I'll use this as a forum to post old Photochopped (I don't want to get sued by Adobe) images that have been sitting around for awhile.....

RuddBate
I think Jason Bateman and Paul Rudd are underrated comedic actors that could star in a really good movie, but together, it would be box office gold. When thinking of a title for said buddy flick, what would the title be? RuddBate. It made me laugh hysterically for five minutes given the fact that there is absolutely no plot. After creating this, I didn't find it as funny (I'm sure you dont either). Onward....

Congratulations to my buddy Tony. He's the first of my bros to start a family. Here's a picture of that happy family.....
Ok, maybe not. This bizarre photo was supposed to be part of a greater creation as a comedic foray into video, but you guessed it, I was too lazy. Maybe the video will appear on the site one day.

R.I.P. Hatredy's very own Phil. His dog ate him.

But who would commission such an act of trechary? Hmmm. Clearly someone that knows him but doesnt like him much. But I dont know any angry, evil millionaires, wait....

Mutual admiration, right there folks.

Speaking of anger, I've saved the best for last. Ladies who are pro-choice, I want to give you an option. I'm not about pro-choice, I'm about pro-choices. This is a new option....

Thanks to blogger for fucking up the picture, but I'm to lazy to do anything about it and could care less if you enjoyed this. Have a great day.

Kids Are Assholes

2008-05-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

As a full grown human adult, I realize one thing: I can be, at times and generally, an asshole. Some say its my most negative and some (especially my comrades here) think its so negative, it’s almost a positive trait. Whether it’s “borrowing” a DVD I don’t intend on ever giving back to an aquaintance, photochopping a friend in an unflattering light, avoiding or pretending I didn’t see someone in public from high school, work, or from my not that distant past (oh yeah, I saw you), I am an asshole. Hell, we are a society based on assholes. We’ve all purposefully ate the last slice without asking, parked where we weren’t supposed to, not picked up the phone for someone that doesn’t know what a loser they are, “called out sick,” threatened harsh acts of death towards fellow drivers, or just plain killed a guy. Some of our most successful public figures are assholes (Donald Trump, Gene Simmons, most U.S. Presidents, etc.). I could go on and on, but I am here to talk about a whole other society of assholes that oft times go well overlooked: children.

Children are assholes. Sure, when they are born they come out of one hole, but they act like the other in turn. Ever wonder why people say, “Don’t act like a baby.” Simply stated, you are acting like a first class, Grade-A, Glenn Guilia asshole. I’m not bashing kids, I love my nieces and nephew. I think they are awesome, but like any decently flawed human being, they do act accordingly. Crying to get your way, pandering for the newest toys, dominating the television, wearing your shoes on the wrong foot, watching the same DVD over AND OVER again, and knowingly taking what’s not yours, I even know some people my age that still act that way. I have to admire it in a way. If life was hockey, children would be goons. Yet, why aren’t children brought to justice and called out on these flaws? Well, some are grounded and some get a “time out” (mostly by pussy white parents that need to go back to “Caucasia” forever), but we forgive children because they are young, unknowledgeable, immature and don’t know any better, like your typical Mets fan. If you knew, sooner or later, that you would have to grow up, wouldn’t you really milk acting however you want? Bear in mind that there are many adults who act this way and, of course, the mentally challenged are excused. However, should you read this and still do any of these acts of childhoody, you may in fact be mentally challenged. If so, ask your folks what the deal is or if they are too busy drooling and laughing at a pink bouncy ball (or watching According To Jim on syndication), please see a doctor. With that said, I am majestically segwaying into another list. Why majestically? Because I myself am a royal asshole. Anyway, here’s a short list of things children do to make themselves Lil Denis Learies…

Pee wherever you want (while sober) – I miss this one, especially in the tub. Nothing like waking up, taking a shower to clean off the grime of hours elasped, and getting rid of some excess urine in the process (sorry, ladies). Taking a piss naked is great (I am man, hear me roar…and drip). Somewhere down the line, I knew that my parents standing on my old urine (soap can’t rid everything) was wrong and stopped (regardless of pipes leading to one place, Costanza). I think when I was an infant and fully potty-trained I remember knowingly pissing myself one last time, thinking, “Mom, will make the arrangements.” That, my friends, is the work of a true asshole. Great work, pissy pants.

Spill something and NOT pick it up – This was awesome. There is nothing funnier and scarier than a really little kid trying to pour a 2 liter or gallon container into a tiny cup or glass. Best and worst case scenario, the glass is missed, the beverage container is dropped, spilled, and the glass is shattered. It really sucks if you are the adult and have to clean it up and naturally you would be peterbed. This leads to anger at the child. If you are a smart child, you cry, the parent feels sorry, and said child gets the beverage and didn’t have to clean up anything. Nice play, bucktooth.

Eating “stuff” – Stuff isn’t limited to food, either. How do you think we know that grass, ear wax, boogers, and Legos tasted bad (alright this blog is turning into the Freddy Got Fingered script). “Excuse me waiter, I’ll have the dandelion, mashed french fries sprinkled with your finest boogers and for desert I’ll have some ear wax along with the Lego. You know, the ones small enough to get lodged in my throat, so I may possibly die, sir.” Excellent choice. Way to live on the edge, Bingo. Moving on…

Wear whatever you want (while being deemed a “normal”) - I once went out of the house to play in a cartoon-Magic Johnson sweatshirt, cheap neon sunglasses, red jean shorts, yellow Hulk Hogan wristbands, purple Donatello TMNT kneepads, cheap neon green and blue sneakers from Bob’s, a cape and a tophat (yes, I had one back then too). I was the Teenage Mutant Hogan Johnson Magician Turtle Retard (I don’t feel tardy). My brother concurred to say the least. Way to dress, Palooka.

Wear flip-flops everywhere and not be an asshole – As a kid I wore my fair share of cartoon-themed sandals. To me it’s a beach and kid thing. But from stoners with “Jesus” sandals to women wearing them out at night, flip-flops are everywhere. I am writing this at work as we speak (a professional office job) and I hear that unmistakable flip-flop sound…and it gives me a friggin tumor (actually, it’s not a tuma). Flippity-floppity, open-toed whores. It annoys me, you ain’t at the beach sweetpants and unless you’re a kid, don’t do it. Be a fuckin pro, dollface.

If you are a kid and are smart enough to read this, keep it up, your cuteness will die sooner than you think. A Long Island drunk once said, these are the times to remember, so do just that. P.S. – if you are an ugly kid: beware. The tables will drastically turn. As Americans, we feel sorry for ugly kids, but in adulthood, you’ll get what coming to you, you ugly stupid kid. Until next time, learn to love it, learn to live with it, diamonds are forever, but your youth ain’t, you little shits.

Why I Will Never Watch, "The Notebook"

2008-05-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

I like to consider myself something of a movie buff. I watch a ton of movies all ranging from silent films to current day supermegaboner box office hits. I give everything a chance. Movies are a legitimate artistic medium and I believe they all, to some degree of another, have merit. I will never watch the Fucking Notebook. Every girl from here to hell seems to automatically orgasm at the mere mention of it. The movie has taken on something of a mythic proportion. AIM away messages, (see my post on them) profile quotes, hell even ring tones are dedicated to whatever sappy line is currently making them teary eyed and gushy. Enough is enough.

When I see a quote from that movie in any form on the net, posted by anyone, guy or girl my fucking blood boils. Not a quote from the Bible, Koran, Torah, Declaration of Independence, Gettysburg Address, Constitution, hell even the Communist Manifesto.... no I am forced to read something from a movie which was created for the supreme reason of making money on the fragile hearts of young girls. If you didn't think we were going to hell before, well guess again. Some movies can be categorized by the majority as, masterpieces. Goodfellas, The Third Man, Gone With The Wind, Citizen Kane, Fight Club... the list goes on and on. Sit any girl down to watch any of these movies and more than likely mid-way through she'll get up and walk away. Show her a movie with some guy with a five o'clock shadow going through some sort of romance related hell and a scene where to people make out in the rain and she'll probably cry like a fucking pansy.

Ladies, you don't have to be the stereotypical ditz that loses her shit when the boy gets the girl in these kinds of movies. Anyone who has experienced love knows that for all the wonderful moments that it presents us, there's and equal number of moments that feel like you've been sodomized in half by a horse. Do you want men to treat you equally? Do you want women to treat you equally? Do you want to me looked at as intellectuals? If so, it may be a good idea not to fall to pieces at a pre-dertemined time, put into a movie purposely by a billion dollar industry that feeds on your emotions. If Hollywood only made movies for one whole year, along the lines of the movies nominated for best picture last year, i.e. No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood... you'd see Brad Pitt driving around L.A. in a fucking Scion. Doesn't work that way.

I agree that movies, essentially, are made to entertain... but when entertainment becomes a model for you to deal with real-life situations concerning love, or the human heart in general, it's time to stand up and look in the mirror. What do you see? I'll tell you honey... I see a bonifide dipshit. Wake up... and for God's sake put on some make up.

P.S. Ladies, go to Blockbuster this weekend, and just pick a random movie... something you've never heard of. Go online and post a quote from it. Do something unique. Oh and once you're done put on something tight and go out and use what God gave you. For my sake.

Some More Things That Piss Me Off

2008-04-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

Alright here's some stuff that REALLY pisses me off... or at least it's been pissing me off recently.

1. Cal Ripken
What the fuck is there to like about this guy??? Because he played alot of baseball games in a row??? Wow what a TEAM player. This guy is the quintessential bad sportsman. Everyone likes to talk about his streak, but no one talks about the games where he was nothing more than a balding, hulking, old, doughy faced drip out there sucking it up for the O's... and hindering the team. "Hmm.. Cal can you play today, you don't look very good, I mean you're bleeding pretty profusely from the eyes, nose, ears, ass and mouth." SURE I CAN!!! Nice record asshole. There is no I in team, unless you played for the O's in the 80's, then there was ... it was called Cal Ripken

2. Soccer
Heres and Idea for a sport... We get a bunch of guys and a ball, follow me so far? Ok so we all run around a HUGE field, I mean big, like almost TOO big.. you still with me? Ok so here's the best part, we try to kick said ball into a net! I'M SERIOUS!! We totally kick the fuck out of it and try to get it in the net... oh and we can't use our hands. "Well... we'll anybody guard the net?" OH FUCK YEAH!!! A guy will def be there and get this... HE can use his hands. Dude your mind is so blown right now! "Alright well... what happens if no one scores, or it's tied?" I knew you'd ask that... if that happens we get to totally kick it at the net! "So the game is alot of running and then at the end if its tied we make the game ridiculously easy to end it?" Exactly dude, exactly. "Ok well what if we still cant score, and the other team can't score either?" You ready for this man?? We go home... I swear dude we just end the game. TIE GAME MAN!! EVERYONE WINS!!! "I'm gonna go home and smash my head open with a balpeen hammer." HOLY SHIT BRO!! I WAS DOING THAT ALL MORNING AND THEN I CAME UP WITH SOCCER!!

3. Hippies
Take a shower, cut your hair, stop listening to music which was created years ago to rebel against people like yourselves and get a fucking job. If anything, the music of the 60's and 70's was all about expression, and not following the crowd... so how better to celebrate that music than dressing like that guy at the cafe who's always grinning, growing dreadlocks, and saying "man" after everything. Get over yourself douchebag you drive an SUV.

4. Sandals
Nothing like the look, or smell of feet. Especially in the summer... when you naturally sweat more. Feet are hideous. Sorry girls, you can paint them, wash them, scrub them, whatever you do to them and their still going to be gross. No one wants to look at them. Guys... what the fuckin hell are you thinking? "Well Johnnyboy, its comfortable." Go fuck yourself that's a load of horseshit. Have you ever seen a guy keeled over of wincing in pain and anguish? I'm sure most of us have at one time or another... Now imagine that guy... you walk over, and ask him if he's alright. Now imagine you hear him reply with, "AHHH MY FEET ARE HOT!!" I know that personally I would probably pee on the guy, or at least break a thumb or two.

5. Frisbee
I'd like to think that we've come pretty far as a group... yet we're still bewildered by a fuckin lime green plastic plate. You know what I do when someone tosses me a Frisbee? I take it and purposely launch it in the wrong direction. After a couple of tosses like that, whoever is throwing me the stupid thing gets the point and we can move on to wiffle ball. "But dude its fun!" So is jerking off but I don't do it at picnics. Get a new hobby Mongo.

More soon but I'm tired... there's another thing that pisses me off, being tired. I'll talk about that some other time.

You've done it now, Johnnyboy!

2008-04-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned for me to post every awesome thing I find on Hulu. Every Arrested Development, every Andy Barker PI, every The Office, 24, Lost, and any other shows that at least one of my friends likes. Oh, and this:

"You're out of your element, Donny."

I Think That’s The Tops…List!

2008-04-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

The last list I created was a truly a pain. It was a Top Ten that provoked a lot of thought and effort on my part. That’s not what this blog is all about. This time, I’ve decided to branch out with multiple categories and just create the top “what-have-you” in said category. Without any further dissertation on this, let’s get right into the scary…

Top Woman I Be Intimidated To Have Sex With

Jamie Lee Curtis – Now, I know what you Macho Men are thinking, “He just can’t fit his winky in her pinky, uhuh.” No, I’m cool on that front, hell a very early me had a very early boner from watching Ms. Lee Curtis show her tits in Trading Places (still do). While she seemed like a happy hooker in that flick, it’s the real woman that has scared me. My old man gets AARP magazine (not a bad read for bad shits) and JLC “bares all” from the shoulder up and one thing’s for sure: I’m still frightened. Congrats, she still has a great body and all, but looking at those menacing, wincing eyes, that now pepper grey short hair cut, and that stiff upper lip still makes my dick cringe in fear. What would it be like to have sex with Jamie Lee Curtis? I assume there is NO foreplay whatsoever and I’d probably have to be fully clothed (assuming she is disgusted by all men) with only my fly open for penis access. It is a rather militant operation that lasts as long as Ms. Curtis sees fit. During the whole thing she is probably watching the WE Channel or Monster Truck races very loudly and since Gravedigger doesn’t turn me on that much, I’m in big trouble. For the life of me, I better keep this thing up before she clenches together and rips my junk right off. After I receive a few black eyes and JLC angrily gets off, a report card of what I did right and mostly wrong is received, as I lay in the fetal position and I feel like less of a man because of the whole experience. The other reason I Jamie Lee Curtis scares me? I don’t go for dudes (sorry Sigourney Weaver).
Sigourney Sidenote: I have to admit feeling weird for thinking Sigourney Weaver was hot in Ghostbusters considering she turned into what we all thought she was in the first place: a monster.

Top Douchebag I Should Hate, But Secretly Admire
Bret Michaels – Glam Rock to me is the metal equivalent for disco, but I kind of respect the guy. He was the first rocker to bang Pamela Anderson (Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are still fighting over his sloppies). He’s stayed true to his shit form of rock and it’s worked. Bret is an idiot, a douche, a womanizer and doesn’t stray away from that stigma. He’s parlayed it into a reality show and now new generations that were in diapers when Poison was on the charts want to jump his bones. As I look in my closet at my played-out obnoxious Ed Hardy polo, I see a little Bret Michaels in me. Straight men of America can all see Bret in them figuratively. Women of Rock of Love have seen Bret in them literally.

Top 80's Trainwreck Clip That's Fun To Watch

Corey Haim - The clip says it all and yes Lost Boys 2 is in fact coming out straight-to-DVD with both Coreys (although I question Haim's speaking lines after watching this).

Top Person I Enjoy Seeing Get Fat

Al Gore – I’m 25, I’m in relatively good shape, it just comforts me knowing that he’s getting bigger and I’m getting thinner. Moving on…

Top 2 Guys I’d Like See An Enemy Stuck In An Elevator With
David Lee Roth and Flava Flav – Sure, you might be thinking, “I can party with these guys. I like hip-hop and rock, I can have a great time with these guys.” Ugh, that’s what I first thought. Imagine being totally sober in an elevator. In comes David Lee Roth. Awesome, right! Wrong. I love DLR as much as any fan of Van Halen, but think about how obnoxious he’d be. Highsteping and kicking like a Rockette, all the while making incomprehensible scat noises (bippy-bop!) and such. He’s wasted with a bottle of something really expensive, doesn’t want to share that bottle, and tells you he is the reason Van Halen is successful again (foreshadowing yet another break-up). Then when things couldn’t get any worse on this excruciating elevator of death, in walks Flava Flav. Yelling and screaming and not making any sense, his gigantic clock (and maybe glock as well) make the ride more claustrophobic than Diamond Dave’s highstepping ever was. So Flav’s yelling and Dave making mocking kissy lips with a victim sandwiched in between...I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (who am I kidding, I would wish much worse). Bippy-boop, indeed.

Top Story We Need To Get Over Forever
Yo Roids! Watching Barry Bonds cheat his way past Hank Aaron’s record and see his massive head (dome, not just ego) inflate grotestly is disgusting. Did Roger Clemens do it? His stats reached an all-time peak after the Red Sox stint, coincidentally when he is being accused are being of enhancing performance. While I thought he was a bad-ass throwing a broken bat at fumanchu wearing Mike Piazza (the Pizza-Man was always a little light on his feet anyway), there was some roid-raging going on there. The debate remains…should they be in the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown? I say without a doubt, absolutely 100%. I think half of Roger Clemens should be there for real reasons, while Barry Bonds should get his own wing, possibly in a bathroom, utility closet, or how about just a hole (think Silence of the Lambs-ish). Throw Cancesco (whose name Spellcheck wanted to correct to “cancers”, how fitting) in there, Sosa, hell even Palmeiro. Why, you ask? I graduated the eighth grade and high school along with five and a half years of college…barely. One of my teachers senior year of high school wrote: “Close Call” (asshole Mr. Wright). In grammar school, I made first and later second honors six years in a row. Alright, so I hit puberty and did nothing for the next six years academic wise. Did my father praise me? No, I got the “you barely made it so we don’t care about your previous accomplishments.” That’s how it should be in baseball. While the halls of academia have honored me with a piece of paper, my family did not let me forget how I screwed up in the past. That’s what life is: a series of trials and errors. Create the Bonds Wing in Cooperstown so we all have a place to piss freely and throw our garbage. Hatredy Sidenote: Fuck Barry Bonds.

Top Guy To Really Overachieve With Women (aka the Lyle Lovitt 2008 Award)

Jordan Bratman (the guy who knocked up Christina Aguilera) – He impregnated one of the hottest, actually talented pop stars and he as neck flab! He’s worse-looking and in worse shape than me. Good for him. Thanks for the hope, Brat Man.

Top Casting for a Crazy Homeless Guy

Jerry Lewis (Law and Order) - From Jerry’s Kids to Jerry’s, uh, Shit. “Got any spare change, glaven.” And he was a murder suspect too! Ah, the hilarity. A small part of me would find it hilarious if it were real too. Somewhere in heaven Dean Martin is laughing. Ain’t that a kick in the head.

Top (Former) Fat Guy That I Gave Up Hating
Jared from Subway – It was one of the first “healthy” aimed commercials for fast food and he was (still is) all over their marketing. I grew tired of him. Then South Park parodied him. That was six years ago. His real ads have been running for nearly 10 YEARS. I got my license, lost my virginity, graduated high school, graduated college, saw a few deaths, saw a few births, moved, and had a few jobs all the while this guy has stayed true to his diet and hocked these fucking subs on us. I give up, keep pimping out those hoagies Jared.

Top Disturbing Thing I’d Like To Do
Punch a really, really hot girl in the face – Think of the scenario, guys. You’re drunk. You’re frisky. You’re courageous. You decide to spit game at a girl that’s way out of your league. Then she rejects you, cold. Not even the old “I have to catch up with my friends” bit. Just plain rude to you. Your friends saw the whole thing. Your confidence is shattered. It ruins your night (until the next drink). Picture the same scenario: rejected. Let’s make it worse, her mini-van shaped friend laughs in your face too. That’s okay guy, you’ve got the power of the punch! She laughs at you, so you deck her square in her face. Your buddy then throws his drink in the fat friend’s face. Then security escorts them out in a huff. You win. Perfect. Actually, I am firmly against violence against women, so let’s just have a dog pounce them instead. Oh and let’s stop making those slutty kissy faces!!!

Sorry Phil...

2008-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

So I just read the bowl of gizz that my colleague Phil has posted about his love for Hulu. If you haven't read it yet, please do now, or this post wont make much sense. Let me explain why I'm flaming his post. Couple weeks back, Phil and I were on our way back from NYC and he was telling me about this great new site where they had EVERY MOVIE AND TV SHOW YOU COULD THINK OF!!!!! Every show I named, every movie I named... Phil assured me I could find it on Hulu. He told me how it was a relatively new site and he had just discovered it... now this SHOULD have sent up red flags in my mind but at the time I didn't think about what he had just said. We'll get back to that shortly...

So I get myself an account and begin to use the site. There's not much to say about it ... other than the fact that I had been completely lied to. Chock full O Simpsons episodes? Try 3, and they all sucked. Every movie I could think of?? More like 50 and the best one that I could find on the list was "Very Bad Things", which isn't a very good movie. "Dude they have like everything on there, its fuckin awesome, they have alot of shit that you can't find anywhere else." <--- Complete Bullshit. Every show I searched came up with nada. If you're a fan of obscure, hard to find and truly hilarious or for that matter, awesome drama/suspense, Hulu... is not where you want to try to find it. I've found a ton of stuff on Youtube, and three lousy episodes of the Simpsons and a thousand clips from SNL, heres the kicker folks; I don't watch SNL. Great.

I realized shortly afterwards why Phil loved(s) this site so much; because HE found out about it before his group of friends did. That reason alone will fuel his love for it until eventually a brightly colored ball rolls by his window and he decides to chase it. The Hulu brass could fuck his dog with a plunger, break Phil's leg and then force him to fellate a corpse and he'd still think it was "the shit" because HE found out about it before I did, and the site was in its infancy when he did. Now I realize that the site is new, and that its going to take time before more people upload their shit onto it (or however it works) and make it decent, but honestly folks I'm not willing to wait. I have Youtube, I have Limewire, hell I even have netflix... so I don't have to be a Huluboy. Aside from those reasons now I have another reason to hate it.... Phil loves it. That's all I needed.

"You're a fucking dog"

2008-04-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

I know this is hateblog, but I needed to share some love. I'm obsessed with Hulu. Hulu is the network television response to Youtube, and contains more awesome TV and Movies than I know what to do with. I usually watch full episodes, although lately I've been browsing through all the SNL clips (because they dont have full SNL episodes) and it's still awesome. I won't go on about the site layout, or the feature that saves your place, or the clarity of the fullscreen, because that's all the techno-geeks are concerned with. I'm more about content. Durng my most recent SNL clip marathon, I scrolled down to check out which clips were available, and discovered they had now seperated the clips by content. As I scrolled further, I noticed, like the geniuses the are, they had organized all the SNL commercial spoofs in one place. Basically, this means any Hulu user has their own SNL's Greatest Commercials DVD. And then I found this:

Probably my second favorite SNL commerical ever (right behind Crystal Clear Gravy). Well Done, Hulu.

Going Out On A Friday Night In America

2008-04-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I drink more than an IRA hitman living in London... above Scotland Yard. I also smoke cigarettes, and I am in my early, soon to be mid, twenties. Put those three facts together along with a serious escapist mentality, you have someone who like alot of other people, likes to go out on the weekends. When I was in my teens going out was a release. We would go out looking for girls, parties, we'd skateboard in parking lots, try desperately to score beer, some of us smoked weed, some people did other things but all in all it was good ol' fashioned American fun. I live in close proximity to New York City, (about 45 minutes by highway) so that was always an option too. All in all kids in this area, although just as bored as kids in any other area, had a good amount of options. Now I am in my mid twenties and skateboarding would end up with me breaking something, weed puts me to sleep and parties give me the heebie jeebies. I still like chicks though, so hell... I go out. If I didn't have a healthy sex drive I would probably never leave the house. Lets face it, its a hell of a lot cheaper to have your friends come over to drink a case of beer and a handle of whiskey... but you cant fuck your friends.... Well I suppose you could but my friends are ass-ugly and I haven't reached that level of horniness yet. (sorry bro's you're not ugly ... but in my eyes you're all hideous swamp monsters)

So lets go out. Alright first off, my friends and I are not the kind of drinkers where we can have a couple to feel loose and laugh the night away. We have a set way of doing things. Pretty much boils down to this... shower, put on nice clothes, do the hair, brush the teeth, throw on cologne and head out to find something with a vagina that sees this neatly wrapped package and decides she wants to unwrap it and ruin all the hard work. So we hit the bar, inevitably its too loud to speak at a normal tone so there is alot of yelling. Throw a fiver on the bar and suck down a beer. Alright the hunt is on. Now I'm not going to go through the whole play by play of a night out on the town, but maybe some of you guys reading this will agree with this next break down of the night... in three parts.. 1. Drink and try to meet girls... 2.(A) Get lucky and meet a girl, drink with her and either strike out or hit a homerun, (B) Don't meet anyone, and decide to get shithoused drunk to the point of blacking out... 3. Crashing.

It goes to say that not everyone in the group agrees on the spot so there is always someone at least peeved to be there in the first place. (that's usually me) At one point in the night everyone does a shot together, oh what fun! Then whoever the cheap one is, asks who has the round covered. Normal people buy rounds, we don't. So the bartender has to wait there as we all scuttle through our wallets to try to find the right amount, sort of like a hobo trying to score a free burger at McD's... hoping that eventually the person behind the counter will say, "ahh just take it." Gotta love this little nugget of the male mind during a night on the town. We will buy any girl we have JUST met with tits and pretty eyes anything she wants, but buying a drink for guys you've laughed, cried and grown up with... fuck that shit. Sometimes you do it, and figure that covers you until the end of the year, but most of the time its every man for themselves. Its a fucking jungle out there, and its a jungle full of groups of guys doing the SAME FUCKING THING YOU'RE DOING!!!! I'm amazed anyone gets laid these days. Ever notice that theres ALWAYS more dudes than chicks at a bar? Don't get it twisted lads... girls maybe insane but they ain't stupid. So lets move on... the drinking is in full swing and people are making moves. The less successful hunters hang by the bar, the "winners" are chatting up their catches and the environment hasn't gotten any more inviting... in fact its getting old.

Now someone wants to leave... and if everything is aligned perfectly in the cosmos, the rest of the group concurs. So you leave, and head to another bar. A fresh scene and guess what this brand new canvas is full of? Groups of guys getting drunk and trying to get laid. Sometimes you recognize them from the bar you just came from. Bars in the United States, and all over the world really are around for two reasons... to get drunk and to try to find someone to fuck. If you have a girlfriend, wife ... whatever you don't take her to the bar to get hammered to fuck her, you can do that sober. People take their significant others to bars to have fun but these people make me sick. You're just taking up space... buy a bottle of wine, throw on a movie and get the hell away from the bar, I'm on the job here, you're just visiting. Lets say its getting late in the night and now some of the boyos are getting hungry, tired or far too drunk. What the hell is "too drunk"?? Drunk is drunk. It would be like if you said in conversation... "boy I really miss my old dog but he is wayyyy too dead." From now on if you're feeling nauseated or like you're at the point of passing out just say, "I'm drunk"... we'll all get the point. The guys who say they're "really drunk" are the guys who can tell you every fucking drink they had the next day.

If you got lucky, well then congratulations but more likely than not, you didn't. Its like baseball... if you hit the ball three out of ten times you're a three hundred hitter and you can get your ass into the hall of fame. If you get laid once every couple of months hitting the bars, well shit you deserve to have your number retired. So at the end of the night when you're home, alone, ears still ringing from all the shitty music you had to listen to that you don't like in the first place, head spinning from mixing liquor and throat sore from endless cigarettes, and well... in the same place you started, but a little broker and just as horny... welcome to being a young male adult in the U.S. The game is just as difficult now as it ever was and it's never going to get any easier. So why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? Because my friends... well... I don't know. Is it fun? Sure. Is meeting girls a thrill? Sure. Do you think it was everything you thought it was going to be a few hours earlier when you were making plans for the big night? No. Don't get discouraged though, there's always next weekend.

Hatredy Sports: The Boys of Shitty Summers

2008-04-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

In the not too distant past, there was a ruthless billionaire who ruled the most widely recognized sports franchise in history with an iron fist. Like all Greatmen, he has slowed down with age. The team spends millions to win, yet doesn’t win the championship (eight years in New York is feeling like 20). Every spring, “it’s going to be different.” This year, the son of a ruthless billionaire takes over the reigns as vocal asshole. Yet, it’s coming off in hilarious fashion, like Tommy Boy taking over for Big Tom Callahan. The ending was happy, so I’ll remain optimistic for this road trip we are on of a season called 2008 New York Yankees baseball. With Mr. April A-Rod back, Yankee Stadium being torn down, and the Mets looking good, I do have one question, what the hell has happened?

I grew up being a fan of the New York Yankees. I love that team. From the House That Ruth Built, the logo, the colors, from the Curse of the Bambino, to Legends Field, to Don Mattingly, from the fence, the late 90s dynasty, and look, the smell (of the grass anyway), and the presence of Yankee Stadium…its’ hard not to respect the traditions growing up where I have. I’ve been a proud man about this for a long time, but the tables have changed and we all have to except it. As a child, the Reggie Jackson-era Yanks won those World Series about five years before I was born. Then came the 80s. The Summer of Sam was over, the World Series titles were over, and the only murders involved season ticket holders. Irrational decisions from an irrational billionare (George Steinbrenner) and the many firings and rehirings of Billy Martin, all the while Donnie Baseball is struggling to keep his sanity on mediocre teams and putting up MVP numbers comprised my Yankees from 1983-1995. In 1996, Mattinngly retired, Joe Torre (a National League guy who recently was fired from the Cardinals) was hired, and the Yankees were a mix of seasoned veterans, unknown young players (Rivera, Jeter). I didn’t have much hope. Then it happened, they won the World Series. I treated this as I did the NY Giants Superbowl this year, an impromptu miracle season that likely wouldn’t be duplicated. Not only was it duplicated, but starting in 1998 the Yanks won three more. It was a great time to be a Yankees fan. Johnnyboy on this very column proudly sported an offical Yankee jacket; the very same one Joe Torre would smugly slump on the bench on for the next seven years. That jacket was a sign of things to come. Johnnyboy almost got into a pretty big bruhaha over that piece of cloth and nylon and it was one of the earliest instances of people disliking not just the Yankees, but anyone that had anything to do with them (it’s not like we live in Boston) in the dominant era of the franchise. The Yankees struck fear in the heart of their victims and as much as I loved the ruthless aggression the Yanks showed, I knew they became the evil empire along the way.

Slowly, yet surely I sensed the danger looming ahead. September 11, 2001 was the biggest tragedy I have witnessed in my lifetime. The Yanks were in the Series that year. “Let do it for New York! Let’s do it for America! Let’s do it for Jonny (me, not that Melnikov asshole in the photo)!!!” They didn’t. They lost to a team in Arizona. Arizona?!?!? They were only an expansion team three years before and Arizona is where old people go to die. All I know is that I am still rather enthusiastic about this year’s team. Maybe Torre’s way was running old, maybe the Curse of the Don is erased (sorry, Mr. Mattingly, sir), maybe Hank will rule with a successful fist. Maybe Redsox fans have done the same thing (that being faked optimism) year after year until 2004. God, this bizzaro world has got to stop. Go Yanks!!!

P.S. Sending me Yankee cheers on Facebook won’t necessarily make the team win, so screw off.

No matter how old I get I am doomed to shit my pants at least once a year until I die.

2008-04-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've shit myself at least once a year, every year I've been alive.

When I was an infant, this was normal, in fact, this was normal until around age 7, when I began to master my bodily functions. With those under control, I learned to enjoy dominating a shit, something I still enjoy to this day.

But regardless of my gastro-intestinal mastery, I have shit my pants at least once a year, every year. Sometimes more. Now don't get me wrong, it's been a long time since I allowed a full-size shit to leave my ass while clothed. In the past decade, all of my pants-shittery has been in the form of the deceptive and dangerous "shart" (tried to fart, shit). Sometimes it's related to illness, and when that happens, I don't feel as bad about it, because we've all been too sick to control our bodily functions, and when those sharts happen, I'm ususally at home, and it's easy to deal with. The sharts that plague me so are the confidence sharts. I call them confidence sharts because they happen when you're feeling your most confident, that is, nothing can stop you and you've got things to do and we're all going to a party and let me just fart real quick and FUCK I SHIT MYSELF. These sharts are the worst because they usually occur miles away from a place where you can deal with it privately. Luckily for me, these sharts have only happened to me: a) with my friends, whom I inform immediately and we all get a good chuckle, or, b) when I'm by myself, usually still miles from home or a private bathroom, but still less horrifying than doing it in front of say, a girl and/or her parents. I've had the decent fortune of being able to deal with these sharts fairly easily for the most part, save for having to drive home with a pair of less-than clean boxers in my trunk and my zipper chafing my sack.

Allow me to share some of the more memorable pants-shittings of my adult life:

-March 2002: I was at boarding school. At boarding school, illnesses often effect entire dorm wings at once, due to the close quarters. My wing, like many others that month, had been suffering from something we called "the black tongue", a very nasty stomach bug that would make you vomit up everything, even the water you tried to drink, and after about 12 hours you would continuously vomit up your own stomach juices, which have the side effect of turning your tongue black on top. Anyway, after being restricted to my room for about 3 days, I was allowed to go back to classes, sports, etc. This news was given to me the morning after I had first been able to eat, around 8am. Upon hearing this news (about which I was quite happy) I happily went back to my room, took a leisurely shower, put on my snazziest dress-code clothing and began to stride confidently out of the dorm to class. About 5 or 6 confident, powerful strides past the nurses office, I stopped, raised up my left leg like I was Capitan Morgan, leaned forward and let out what I thought would be an amazing and satisfying fart. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. As I half-stepped back, to my room trying not to let the shit make contact with anything other than my boxers, I swore I would never again fall victim to the confidence shart. However, my asshole would fool me again...

-June 2006: I was riding high here, literally. I had been sharing a couple grams of coke with some friends at a bar. For once, the coke-fueled antics began early in the evening, so by 10pm, with a full bag of blow in my pocket and about half a gram lining my sinuses, I was in full-on rage mode. By about 10:30, we decided it was time to leave the bar for another bar, where there were girls to be had (and we wanted to get while the getting was good), so we finished our drinks, did a couple key-bumps in the bathroom and stormed out the door like the 4 horsemen of the highpocalypse. My buddy's car was parked out back of the bar, so, in my coked-out state, I decided to beat my friends there and began running out the door, around the corner, and down the driveway towards the car. About halfway down the hill, it happened. I was running, I was high as fuck, I was confident, I had to fart....and I shit my pants. Realizing what had just happened, I quickly dropped both layers of pants to the ground, and scuttled to the car with my ass ( and junk for that matter) exposed to the world. Luckily, there was no one in the parking lot. When my friends reached the car, one of them was awesome enough to run back into the bar and grab "about a million napkins" (my words, apparently). I cleaned myself off, and thanks to my quick trou-dropping, didn't have to remove my underwear. And after all that, I still got laid that night.*

-March 30th 2008: This one caught me seriously off guard. I was driving around, taking care of some errands before work, and I happened to drive by a Wendy's. I love Wendy's, and I wanted to try the new Spicy Baconator (awesome, by the way). So I ordered my food, pulled a park'n'eat, and began to pull out of the plaza. Confident in the work I had done that day, I leaned over and....shit. I wasn't sure right away if I had, in fact shit myself, or if it was a hot fart trapped in my butt cheeks. After finding a secluded corner of a Stop'n'Shop parking lot, I discovered I had, in fact, shit my pants. However, I had used my glove-box napkin stash to eat my delicious burger, so I was forced, pants choked with poo, to walk into and through the Stop'n'Shop, ask twice where the bathroom was, wait for a kid and his dad to vacate the bathroom, and then finally clean myself up and leave (without my boxers, which I deemed unsalvagable) and drive home commando style. Not the worst shart of my life, but certainly the most difficult to deal with.

The thing that sucks the most is I know it's gonna be at least 50 more years before shitting my pants is acceptable again.

"May your life be long, and May your farts be shit-less."- Benjamin Franklin

* that particular night continued in a most interesting way. after cleaning myself off, we went to another bar where there were girls waiting for us. one of them came home with me. on the drive home, she vomited in my car. we still had sex. the next morning, she paid 60 dollars for a high-end car wash (interior and exterior). what a night.

5 Ways to Ruin a First Date

2008-03-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

We've all been there. Anxiety, sweat, anticipation, constipation... The first date. Maybe you've met the person before. Maybe it's a blind date. Whichever the case may be... if you get to the line of scrimmage and don't like the look of the defense, here are 5 sure fire ways to get your ass out of there.

1. Start Masturbating Furiously
Subtly. Don't whip it out or throw your hand down your pants... slide them down there, like a gentleman, or lady. Right about the time where the un-holy beast is telling you about how much they're job sucks... just nod 'uh huh', and slide your hand down to your crotch slowly, begin to rub.. vigorously. Your date will ask, "are you ok? do you like, have an itch?" Respond by saying... "Nah I don't, I'm jerking off." If he or she doesn't excuse themselves from the table at that point... move to number 2.

2. Announce that you think that, 'Hitler was cool, but he had some bad ideas.'
If your date is Jewish, they will leave immediately. If not they will question your statement. Counter with... "I just think that maybe if like he hadn't killed just Jews, Poles, Russians, French, Belgians, Retarded people, Intellectuals, Doctors, Artists, Lawyers, Priests and Pollacks, maybe his shit wouldn't stink so bad, ya know?" If your date is still at the table. You have got yourself a Nazi. Run with it, into number 3...

3. Re-cant everything you have just said.
Laugh it off, tell your date that you just said all that stuff about Hitler to see what kind of reaction you'd get... because what you really wanted to say was.... and then tell him/her that you enjoy watching your underground copies of 'New York Midget on Midget Plus Donkey.' What is NYMMD you ask? Who the fuck knows... at this point you're dealing with a Nazi.. time to get tough. Tell him or her, how you enjoy watching that cute face of pain wash into a lovely face of angry pain, and how animals were put on this earth for us to use... not just for food. Alright I'm getting sick just thinking about this and I'm the one fucking writing it. You get the point though... just start spouting out stupid bullshit about underground German porn, or something that you find nauseating. If your date at this point hasn't left... its time for the big guns.

4. Run to your car and change into the Spanish Conquistador costume you stashed away in the trunk.
Return to the table, or bar and start saying things like; "Cortez has given me a map, a map which marks a place, where dreams are made, ancient songs ring in the air, a place which I will take you, after your crab cocktail." "You remind me alot of the Aztec God of obesity." Refuse to take off your helmet, for it is in such hospitable environments, that men can turn to the most deplorable demons. Start throwing things at neighboring tables, and when the patron turns to you, blame it on the God quetzalcoatl. This should work. Insanity is usually a deal breaker in most cases, unless the person youre with also insane.

5. Ask your date if they're, 'into diarrhea'
If he or she says yes.... marry them. Ok so diarrhea is disgusting, but its also intriguing. I'm not saying you should think about jumping into a diarrhea fetish, but think about the sexual possibilities with a person who is that depraved. If the hump you're about to hump is in to liquid poop... you've got it made in the shade. That is truly the last frontier and if you have reached that on the first date... May all the whiskey in Cork sing you to thy rest.

P. S. - I do not endorse coprophagia, beastiality or midget pornography in any way shape or form. If YOU do... hey, it's your world I just live in it.

Mets Fans... A Gathering of Ignorance

2008-03-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I do not hide my deep love for the New York Yankees, my hate for the Boston Red Sox and for the city of Boston itself, but recently there has been a new little flicker of hatred growing inside me... and its for Mets Fans. Not the Mets themselves so much, because I mean lets face it... what is a Met? A Met is a baseball player, who although plays for a major league team in NYC, is still a second class athlete in the eyes of the majority. I feel kinda bad for Mets, its like being the middle child, or the ugly dog at the pound.. you walk by and say ... "awww poor guy", and then immediately move on. The fans however... alright lets get started...

The Met fan is the guy who decides to root for a team because "everyone else likes the Yankees." Which brings me to my first point... Met's fans have this belief that its "easy to be a Yankee fan." Are you fucking kidding me? The Yanks are the most hated team on the planet. Every time they play the other team plays a little harder because they're playing the big bad Yankees. The Yankees have a solid history of winning and domination, their fans are loyal, and everyone hates us. Major League... they played the hated Yankees, that stupid movie with Kevin Costner where he pitches for Detroit.. they played the hated Yankees, and as I remember there is a scene in the movie where a Yankee fan sitting at a bar is made to look like a complete bozo and the bartender whispers something like, "damn Yankee fans" or something. People hate us so much they lambaste us in the movies. Have you ever seen a movie, TV show, or fuckin comic book where the apex of the action is the big game versus The Mets? No you haven't.

If anything its easy as pie to be a Met fan. No one gives a shit about the Mets, they try to hate us and bait us into some new Red Sox - like rivalry but sorry Mr. Met... we got our rivalry. The Mets have never been good... aside from 1969 and 1986, there is no expectation for them to do well from year to year and that fact alone makes it easy to be a Met fan. Oh the Mets didn't go anywhere this season?... that sounds bout right.

Another thing that Mets fans try to parade around as a reason to hate the Yankees; is the payroll Issue. Lets get this straight.... the highest payroll..... doesn't mean shit. The Yanks haven't won in 7 years Douchenuggets. Last year the Yank's payroll was $189,639,045. The Mets $115, 231,663. The difference of about 73 million bucks doesn't mean a fucking thing in pro sports. And the Mets have the money by the way... they're building a new stadium... they just don't spend it. Load of horse shit.

Finally, the Met fan is a truly pathetic animal, desperately searching for a rivalry. I mean what kind of a team can you have when you don't even have a good rivalry? The Braves? the Phillies... wow cant wait to tune in to those grind out grudge-matches. The colors suck, blue and orange... just screams baseball to me. The stadium... oh God ... Id rather watch a baseball game in Fallujah. They have a mascot... Mr. Met. What the fuck man? That's bush-league shit... sorry Philly, but you know its true. Its a sad state of affairs in Queens, and I for one am happy to hear it.

NYY WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1923, 1927, 1928,1932, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1956, 1958, 1961, 1962, 1977, 1978, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000.

NY METS WS CHAMPIONSHIPS - 1969, 1986.

What a rivalry!

Voting Is For Losers

2008-03-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know what all you little haters out there are wondering, when are these guys going to talk politics? Johnnyboy already touched on those annoying Bush bashers, but never officially stated a political affiliation (or at least as far as I read). Well, I am your beacon of hope and I will tell you who to vote for…The Sane Choice: Jim “The Ultimate Warrior” Hellwig and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Hellwig is a beast for one, he won’t get polio like that lame old FDR from a few years back. Beefcake, well, I suppose Hellwig could have chosen anyone for a running mate, but the Warrior/Beefcake ticket just seems to flow. "Dad, I'm voting for Hellwig & Beefcake." I like the sound of that. What are Hellwig’s policies you ask? Here’s a taste of what you can expect…Bin Laden: smashed. Taxes: tapped out. Homelessness: powerbombed. The Budget: balanced due to more smashing. Steroids: legalized and encouraged (finally). AIDS: Piledriven. Children: fighting machines. That’s right kids, Uncle Warrior and Vice Uncle Beefcake will no longer tolerate insubordination. Junk food out (sans Slim Jims, of course). X Boxes and Playstations will be destroyed and melted into weapons of mass destruction (not Wiis though, Hellwig is intrigued). Everyone must have the proper children’s hairstyle from the 1980s, no questions asked, after all our new VP is a professionally untrained barber. Oh, and cigarettes? Still worried if little Tairy or teenie Henrietta might starting smoking young? What the hell(wig) do you think?

I blog, I update. Hellwig and Beefcake are reclusive and computers are foreign to them. In turn, America will now be updated with handwritten holiday cards like so. Here is a Thanksgiving update:

I case you haven’t figured it out, I don’t care about voting. It’s not for losers (that was just a hateful title), but I don’t care what or who you’re voting for. As far as everyone knows, on Election Day I’m voting, but in reality I’m just going to treat myself to ice cream. Where? I’m not sure yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Then when I have kids and it’s time to vote for Chelsea Clinton, Hammock Obama, Flava Flav, or whoever else, guess what? Yes, we are not voting and going out for ice cream (unless my kids are fat, then just Slim Jims for them). So when you’re deciding Obama, Hilary, or McCain, my choices of chocolate, vanilla, or cookie dough will be more delicious than yours. Remember, your vote doesn’t count and no one will blame you if you stay home and eat, it’s the American Way.

Things I wish I could do... and Will Probably Try

2008-03-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Alright so Ive gotten some positive feedback from my list of away messages posts and I'm told that people ... "like lists". That's a direct quote, from myself. I like lists and I'm a people. So here's another one. The 5 things I would like to do before I die.

5. Get a blowjob while eating a cheesesteak
Honestly, think about how fucking unreal that would be. Even better if you could time your last bite to coincide with your orgasm. There is really no way to pull this one off though, I mean think about it, how would that conversation go... "honey Id really love a blowjob, I had such a bad day and I'm so stressed out, you can make it an early Christmas present to me... oh and while you do it I'm going to eat a loose meat sandwich, you know... to save time." Not going to work. I suppose you could hide the sandwich until she starts sucking you off but theoretically its a logistical nightmare. The smell of the sandwich would definitely tip her off and then you'd probably have to share it with her and that defeats the purpose of the cheesesteak blow. The prospect of dropping hot onions and mushrooms on her head while shes knobbing me is actually making me horny.. and hungry. Lets move on.

4. Buy a hobo a tuxedo
For no real reason. I think that if I bought a hobo a tux, I would feel fulfilled. Think about it, if you see some bum rustling through the garbage with a bindle and a scraggly beard with a squirrel living in it you get depressed, angry, murderous, horny... I don't know, but you don't feel good. Now imagine that same bum... in a tux, BAM James Bond. The bum may be able to parlay his new duds into some sort of job, or money making enterprise... and then you would that something you did for someone changed their life for the better. The bum would also feel better about himself and become an idol for all the other 'gentleman of the street' or as I like to call them, 'knights of the sacred order of sleeping in shit'. Its a humanitarians wet dream.

3. Open a school and name it, Its Never Going to Get any Better Academy
I'm sick of generation after generation of kids getting their hopes up to be ultimately disappointed in the end. Remember when you were a little kid and you started grammar school? Alright it sucked not being able to play Nintendo... or Sega (if you were one of those pretentious little bastards) but all in all it was pretty fucking tits. Snack time, recess, lunch, taking a piss and then going home. That's really all it was. So I'm sure many of you, like myself thought it was just going to get better as the grades wore on. Well it fucking doesn't and we all found out the hard way. I would do away with "kindergarten" in my school... and start off by telling the students... "you're all going to be stuck in this building for the next nine years respectively. Then you will go to another depressing building and listen to things you don't care about for four years, and you'll get to do it while your body goes through terrifying, disgusting changes, sorta like swampthing. Then after that you'll go to a bigger building and it will be alot of fun for four years, then after that you will sit at another desk until the day you die. So take this year and play like you will never play again, because honestly boys and girls... that's pretty much whats going to be the case." Then when 1st grade rolled around Id start whomping ass.

2. Have anal sex with the queen of England
Someone once told me that to be the President of the United States would be great, but being a king or queen would be even better. Well, they were right. But even better than that... would be fucking the queen in her ass. As an American, I really don't care either way about the Brits, but as an Irish guy, I fucking hate them. Alright shes crusty and old and it would be like having sex with a box of raisins but lets be honest here, it would be worth it. Every job interview would be so fucking cool... "I know I am grossly unqualified for this job, I am also aware that I'm not wearing pants right now or to make up for that fact, a clean shirt, but what you don't know is that Ive had my dick in the queen of England, and that alone makes me more successful than anyone you are going to interview today." Holy shit that would be so cool.

1. Adopt a kid and raise him to be a complete asshole
I'm ripe with problems, and Ill be the first to admit it. At this rate reproduction with a human female while probable, just seems like it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't want some kid walking around with the same issues, health wise and behavioral that I deal with. That being said I really want to have a kid to carry on the good name of being a jerk. There aren't enough cynics in this world, and there aren't enough people out there telling kids that they suck. If you grow up thinking you suck, you're going to try to better yourself. If you're told that you're awesome your whole life... theres no incentive to be anything other than what you already are, and 9 out of 10 kids are fucking losers. So yes, I am going to tell my son that he sucks and everything he does is wrong, and he will be a better person for it. Eventually he will kill me. Which in a way is pretty fucked up but perhaps he will adopt and spread the true word like his old man did. Maybe he'll grow up to be president, and then he could have a real shot at fucking the queen in the ass. Two birds with one stone... eh makes sense to me.

Motherboy: Television For Women

2008-03-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the things I hate are byproducts of things I love. Case in point: I LOVE the series Arrested Development and regard it as one of the best shows ever produced. I HATE the fact that it was cancelled.
The legacy lives, however, as the Motherboy (a dinner dance aimed at promoting mother/son bonding) episode is being slightly reproduced by the twisted bastards at Lifetime (television for women). They are pimping out a new show, Your Mama Can’t Dance. The Motherboy concept, albeit twisted, lives on. In this reality series, some of America's hottest dancers auditioned for a chance to be a part of a new dance rivalry show under the fictitious name Dance Nation (they had to be tricked, let’s face it), but they had no idea that they would be getting screwed over majestically. They soon discovered that they'd be working with a partner and that their partner would be one of their parents and/or guardians! Now, five female dancers will be fox-trotting with their fathers (Fathergirl doesn’t sound as good) while five male dancers will be doing the mambo with their mothers as they vie for praise from the judges (yes that is directly from the Lifetime site, I had to leave it in).

So who are the judges you dare ask? They are the inevitable who’s who of shit-stains on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. First there’s Chris Judd, who’s bio on the Lifetime website (internet for women) mentions nothing of his failed marriage to J-Lo, his most famous work ever (if he knocked her up, he’d be sitting pretty like K-Fed). Then there’s Vitamin C, yes the Graduation (Friends Forever) songstress bitch, who made every girl and gay dude cry in the 2000 graduating class and I’m sure today’s classes have to painstakingly have to deal with that same garbage every summer. Then there’s the biggest goon of them all, Ben Vereen. Mister Vereen is widely regarded as a legendary actor and is probably a very credible judge…so I hear. To me he is nothing more than an asshole. Remember that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will’s dad (Ben Vereen) actually visits?? Things are going just swell (aside from the disappointment that Mr. Smith was a short, borderline homeless looking man). So much like Uncle Phil predicted, Papa Smith ditches Will…and I wish Uncle Phil whipped ass that day (yes that’s all I know Benjamin Vereen from, what’s it to ya?). Back to Motherdance, so the whole thing’s host by Steve Sanders himself, 90210’s Ian Ziering (so Mario Lopez is THAT busy these days I guess). So Captain Ziering uses whatever charm he stole from Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, while the producers worry if Ben Vereen will make up another lame excuse and bail on the show like he did Will. Oh, yeah and a bunch of kids get tricked into dancing with the parents much to Lifetime viewers’ pleasure. Well, all I know is this Friday, I’m watching some freestyle waltzing, boy’s choice! Ah, I digress, now if you want to see kids and adults interact in creepy and hilarious fashion, stick with Dateline: To Catch a Predator, thank you.

The Mustachio Bashio Part 2: The Hairy Best…and The Rest

2008-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

If you aren’t aware of this list please check out Part 1 for why we are even doing a Top 10 mustache list. So with Alex Trebek, the Original Brawny Man, Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez, Top Gun, and Mario dominating the 10 though 6 spots, let’s see just who cracked the Top 5 mustaches of all time (and to shorten any hate mail, there is also a rather lengthy honorable mention list)…

5) Geraldo Rivera – I would be remiss not to mention this “journalist.” In a world of credible news journalists, there is Geraldo. Many strive for perfection; Geraldo gets the dirt, all while stroking that pointy mustache every step of the way.

4) Don Mattingly – Ah, my favorite baseball player of all time. Donnie Baseball was tough, worked hard, and got the job done which is a common characteristic of all mustache-wearers. His Yankee plaque has that famous Yankee stache engraved in stone and in our hearts. So Mr. Mattingly, for the love of God, please stop shaving it. Sometimes we really don’t know which Don we are going to get, but when we get the mustache, you know everything is going to be alright.

3) Tom Selleck – Magnum P.I. to me was Mustache P.I. He has had an awesome run and is most notably known for having a mustache, but like Trebek and the new Brawny Man, sometimes insists on the clean shave, which would normally peg him down on this list. Not Selleck though, I once saw him on Conan O’ Brien sporting the mustache. Like me, Conan was confused on why he switched from time to time. He then handed Tom an electric razor to shave off half of his mustache to please both audiences. Mr. Selleck then noted that he had other interviews to attend to after Conan, now with his bizarre half-mustache. It was awesome. Tom Selleck, a great sport, a great man, a great mustache. (Blogger’s Note: It was really hard to pick one Selleck picture, there are thousands and they are all awesome.)

2) Burt Reynolds – What can I say? He’s a legend. From Smokey and the Bandit to the Boogie Nights beard, Burt’s done it all in mustache style. He looks like a different person without it (Stripetease: I wanted to see Demi in the buff and was disgusted because of Burt’s no-stache atrocity). So did the mustache make the man? No, this man made his own moustache and rules while still knowing he is bad-ass.

1) Hulk Hogan – Anyone that knows me, knew the Hulkster would ring in at number one. Why am I adamant about Hogan? He reminds me of my youth, the good old days, and he talked the talked and beat up the bad guys. He reminded me of a “super” dad because of his awesome fu manchu mustache and how you could look up to him (in all fairness to my dad, he still maintains a killer stache to this day). Hulk Hogan without a mustache is like the American flag without the stars and stripes, it is just unfathomable.

Honorable Mentions (Let's face it, I probably missed someone, maybe this will ease the pain):

Sam Elliott - Whether it's Tombstone (or any western, really) or the Big Lebowski, the Stache abides. The Stache abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Stache. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. Now I want some good sarsaparilla, moving on...

Goose Gossage– another monster mustache and a legendary Yankee, but in the land of a top ten there is only room for so many baseball players. (wow, 2 Gooses on one list).

Wade Boggs – mustaches rocked the Yankees infield in the mid-90s with both Boggs and the above mentioned Mattingly (united by the stache), however his conversion to the goatee keeps him off the top 10.

Luigi - Don’t think I forgot Mario’s younger brother. His mustache is so important how did they think they were going to have a Mario Bros. movie WITHOUT Luigi sporting a mustache? The movie sucked and I still hold it against John Leguizamo to this day.

Monterey Jack – Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers needed some muscle and to the surprise of absolutely no one, this tough guy had a mustache.

Everyone else from 1980s Wrestling – The Hulkster wasn’t the only man sporting a killer stache beating people up in the 80s.

Groucho Marx – He didn’t influence me personally and sometimes it was just painted on, but when you think of the Marx Bros, you think of Groucho and is oversized facial hair from the bygone era.

Robert Goulet – As a kid, I knew Bob Goulet as an old school entertainer for an old school era. The man could sing and croon with the best of them (and was in Beetlejuice and Scrooged), but rose to greater infamy for our generation as “that guy Will Ferrell imitates on SNL”. I always wondered what he thought about that, anyway Mr. Goulet passed away last October, so rest in moustache heaven, Robert Goulet.

Chuck Norris – Although he’s sported a beard for quite some time now, the badass aura Chuck began, of course, rocking the stache.

Ned Flanders – Homer may hate him and Maude may be dead, but the one thing that lives on is the thing we love about Ned, that mustache.

1980s Top 40 Adult Contemporary: Lionel Richie and John Oates - If you didn’t like Oates’ stache, you’re out of touch and I’m of time. As for Lionel, it sum up his mustache is easy, easy like Sunday morning. The mustaches are both gone, but you can easily relive them on WEBE 108 or wherever cheese and guilty pleasures are sold.

Charles Bronson – Before you get your Death Wish, the last thing you’ll remember is his mustache.

Pat O’ Brien – Once respected 80s sports analyst turned rehab-stinting Anna Nicole/Britney updater. Maybe his voice wouldn’t be as nasally if he shaved, maybe that’s a chance we are never willing to take.

Every Awesome Dad Ever – My dad has one, maybe yours does too and they are awesome for maintaining it.

Unhonorable Mention: Adolf Hitler – No, I am not twisted from trying to include him, but it is interesting to note that he was so evil he has the one mustache that NO ONE will ever replicate (outside of Halloween, impersonators, and Laurel & Hardy conventions).

So what have learned through all of this? One thing I learned is that I have not or may not ever possibly see an American President with a mustache in my lifetime. Why because they are just way too relaxed, cool, tough, and importantly real men. When I find that special lady, we have some kids and settle in, one thing is for sure, the stache is coming back. After all ladies, who wouldn’t want a mustache ride?

The Mustachio Bashio: A Top 10 Journey Through Hair Part 1

2008-02-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, the mustache. There’s something almost comforting about it. My 1980’s heroes had them, my dad has one, and most of my friends’ dads have them as well. Even I had one for around three years. So where are they now?? They were all the rave in the 70s and 80s and were a trademark of the All-American-Man. “So guy, if you love ‘em so much why don’t you just grow one,” you may be saying as you read this. Truth is, I got no nookie partly because of my stache. In my young and naïve way of thinking, I thought only the “coolest dudes” were to have hair above their upper lip. Yet few chill people had them in my high school class, it was pretty much just me and two Indian kids. The only reason they had mustaches is because their facial hair was so out of control they had no choice. Even if they shaved, it’d be back by lunch anyway. As for me, well I accidentally nipped it while trimming and had to shave off the whole thing as a result. After several not-so-prosperous years of having that facial hair, many of my friends, peers, and the female persuasion by and large agreed I was better off without my hairy confidant (I laughed as I typed that). But why?!? Well, after conducting some focus groups and just plain showing girls my freshman year college ID (they made me keep the same picture all 5 ½ years), today’s young women DO NOT want the mustache. Well, screw off; I’m giving you 10 reasons, nay, 10 people that are icons because of their mustaches.

10) Alex Trebek – Here’s a perfect example of the mustache making the man. Throughout the majority of his quiz show tenure he has proudly sported his pepper-gray stache. Then, inexplicably, it was gone. But, oh yes, the memory remains. So much so that every time Will Ferrell partook in the Jeopardy parody on SNL, he wore the mustache. Why you ask? Well because it just would have been Will Ferrell trying to be the host of Jeopardy as opposed to an easily identifiable Trebek. I was hoping Ken Jennings was going to keep that winning streak going until Trebek agreed to grow it back. Alas, it was not to be, but I still think he’ll grow it back someday.

9) The Brawny Man – Let me be clear, THE Brawny Man, the one we all remember. I know there is a newer, younger hairless chap (once again why today’s newer, younger woman hates the excess hair, so there’s forced change) on the cover of today’s paper towels, but I’m talking about the sandy-brown haired beast that scared some kids in their infantile stages. Was I scared? A little, when I was very young. Did I respect him? More than words could do justice. That mustache was the real quicker, picker upper, folks.

8) MLB-Tie - Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez – There were so many great mustaches in Major League Baseball, but even if it was before your time, Rollie has the one stache that is the most striking. Curled-up and looking right out of the early 1900s, its so iconic it’s scary. As for Keith Hernandez, he was an 80s man, with an 80s stache which he reminds us every time you see a Just For Men hair commercial. However, he is a Met and kind of a jerk, so I respect him, but only as much as I can respect a Met.

7) Top Gun – How does a movie get on the list? Easy, there are two key mustaches here. There’s the big dog, the wily veteran Cmdr. Mike 'Viper' Metcalf, played by Tom Skerrit, who of course leads with an iron mustache. Then there were the hairless younger guys. This is how I imagine it went down: Director, Jerry Bruckheimer, “Ok one of you guys needs a mustache and damn it, we can’t cover Tom’s face, he’s the money maker and Val doesn’t need it. Anthony Edwards, you ain’t a vengeful nerd anymore, grow a mustache and be Goose…and die.” Alright, maybe that’s not exactly how it was discussed, but even if Goose’s facial hair is a bit unsettling in 2008, it was perfectly fine back in 1986, he even bagged a young, attractive Meg Ryan in the flick. You could do anything (or anyone) with the power of the mustache.

6) Mario - Speaking of death, one mustache that will never die is Mario. Yes, Super Mario who was a staple of my adolescence and continues to be for new generations of video gamers. Sonic the Hedgehog may have had is blow-out, Mega Man had his arm-canon/ helmet combo, and Pac-Man may have a, uh, mouth but Mario still manages to make classic games in his perfect over-the-top, over stereotyped Italian-mustached way.

So, this is all a bit to take in (and let's build some minor suspense), so the top five will be saved for the next post. Who made it? Why no love for Luigi? Don't worry more drama comin' in Part 2...

Jon Hates You. And Me. And Other John. And Jay.

2008-02-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome Jon Drama to Hatredy. He's not just here to stir shit up. He's gonna take that shit, throw it in a pot with some delicious herbs and spices, slow-cook it for a day, then stir it up and serve it to you on a Hulk Hogan commemorative plate. I hope you're hungry, brother.

What’s In A Name?

2008-02-20T14:49:00.000-08:00

So I’m a contributor on this Hatredy. What is this? Hat-ready? A blog to complain about ready-made hats we don’t like? Oh, Hatred-y, I get it. It was clever the first time I heard about it when our administrator, Phil was on a Metalocalypse fix (said in a Dennis Miller voice). So what do I truly hate? I am not a hateful person in the traditional sense, fire and guns make me nervous, so I would never do anything like that. But before I sound like The Neurotic Richard Lewis, I guess the most dangerous and hateful part of me is my words. I could string together a slew of expressions that would make a soldier of the Parliament cry…or kill me. In fact, I have dirt on all my friends that I am saving for a rainy hateful day, but likely going to the grave with. Truth is, I hate on my friends the most because deep down I love them like brothers or in Jay’s case, a little girl cousin, twice removed.

AIM Away Messages...

2008-02-17T16:30:00.000-08:00

So, first, let me say that I think AIM is great. It's a hell of a lot easier than having to call someone and actually pretend to give a shit about what they're telling you. The one problem I have is with the FUCKING RETARDED away messages people leave. First off, if you're going to be away from your computer for hours on end, dont you think you should just... turn it off? When you go out for the night, do you leave your television on? I didn't think so. You're telling me that you're really SO important that everyone has to know what you're doing for the next six hours? Get over yourself. Here is a short list of acceptable and unacceptable away messages:

"Around" - what, the world in 80 days? Technically at all times you're around something, even in the desert you're around sand, in space, you're around planets, in the ocean, you're around giant squid. This one is okay though. This one is basically saying that you're close by, and if you see a message pop up you'll answer the person. However...if you put this one up and then go to the store or something like that, may a psycho kill you with an icicle. In the end, Acceptable.

"Out With My Girls" - Did you buy them? Inherit them from a rich uncle who just happened to have some enslaved girls in his basement? I know personally that I am not anyone's posession. In the end this horrible message is basically saying "I'm out drinking and slutting around, shave your balls, powder up and come ravage me with a street cone." This one is completely Unacceptable... ugh... I'm actually very angry now.

"Leave Some Love" - This one just scares me. Rapists say shit like that. "Hey man I left some love on the table for her to remember me by." One time I left a big puddle of love on my friends little brother's bed after I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend on it. Did I use that as an away message? Actually, I may have... Acceptable.

"Song Lyrics-Movie Quotes" - Alright, most of the time this can be acceptable. Under the following circumstances it is never acceptable: A. The song was written or performed by Dave Matthews. ; B. The movie's title is one word and that word is 'Notebook'. ; C. Lyrics are purposely chosen to show people that you are depressed. ; D. You wrote the lyrics. ; E. The movie you are quoting is a snuff film. Sometimes acceptable.

"Anything In Another Language" - WOW YOU CAN SPEAK SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH?? Holy shit, you must have gone to grammar school!! Lucky bastard! Unacceptable.
(Additionally, most of the time the unholy fuckers who put up away messages in other languages can't even speak that language.)

"Sappy Bullshit About Boy/Girlfriend" - Congratulations, you're getting laid regularly. These are simply the worst. No one, and I mean no one gives a living fuck about who you're currently with, "the sweetest guy/girl in the world". Most of the time these are put up by girls, as guys don't usually want to broadcast that they have a girlfriend and thusly discourage any other chicks who might be driving hard to the hoop. Girls love to make their friends jealous, and what better way than to let the world know that you can't talk to them on the computer because you're with Mr. Right. In actuality the situation is more like, your boyfriend comes over, pretends to listen to you for a couple hours, sits through whatever awful movie you pick, tries to convince you to have a couple drinks, stares at your tits, fucks the ever-living shit out of you then runs out of there as fast as he can. Oh, he may kiss you sweetly when he leaves, and he might even whisper "love you" as he walks out, but rest assured the minute that door is closed hes saying something like, "Jeeesus Christ". Unacceptable.

Addition by Phil-"Angry Bullshit About Boyfriend/Girlfriend" - Again, what the fuck needs to be explained here? You're in a relationship (which the whole world already knows because you made sure to spend a fucking week customizing your facebook profile around that fact) and you're mad at your significant other. I'm betting that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the world. Like John said, you're getting laid regularly, and now, you get to have angry make-up (or break-up) sex with that person. Either way that's better than me, sitting at home jerking off and reading away messages hoping maybe I can get some from one of these dumb cunts. Suck it up (literally) and quit bitching about your significant other, and just be happy that you've got someone (as so many lonely fucks don't).

I could go on but I'm not going to. Long story short, no one is that important that their friends NEED to know what theyre doing when theyre not talking to them. Shit the spelll check isnt working. Please excuse the lack of punctuation. God Im pissed now.

Britney Spears is going crazy.... I love it.

2008-02-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears is slowly going insane and I for one fucking love it. I am a really twisted son of a bitch and I have no redeeming qualities, of these facts I am acutely aware, but there is a morbid curiosity not only felt by myself but by many others to watch the mighty fall. Ever drive down the road and see an accident and it looks really gnarly so you dont want to look but you do anyway and you dont see any blood or guts and for a split second you think to yourself, "SHIT!" Yeah you do you.
When I was 14-15? Britney Spears started swinging her saggy milk bags all over the TV in a Catholic school girl outfit, and oops... I did it again, I popped a boner thinking about it. As a 14 year old boy there was nothing "gayer" than liking Britney Spears, but we all jerked off like rhesus monkeys on Viagara when we saw her on TV or in magazines. Not that I have followed her career, but I have been aware of her music, and her movies, as being a fuctioning member of American society (who watches alot of TV) I am bombarded by pop culture all fucking day long, like we all are. Past couple of years... ol' Britney has been going, well.... completely balls to the roof of her mouth apeshit crazy.
Now I'm reading that she might mave multiple personality disorder. AWESOME!!! I cant wait until the evil Britney comes out and follows her around like the evil Link in Zelda 3. I think it was Zelda 3. There is something about watching someone with no talent and a shitload of unearned cash spiral down into the deepest circles of hell. Oh yeah and its better when they have a nasty choch too. Everyone saw the upskirt pictures of her. Now, when youre a kid and have no frame of pussy reference, the idea of pussy alone is enough to 'get the job done'. When you get older and start engaging in competitive sport fucking you start to realize there are some hatchet wounds that you just dont want to put your pal into. Shes got one. I think we can all remember that pic, if not, here it is... http://www.dumpstersluts.com/blogfill/2006/11/20061128/britney-spears-upskirt-pussy.jpg
Yuck dude. Take a look at the domain name on the URL. Britney has gone from America's sweetheart to a dumpsterslut. Back to the pussy thing though: if youre going to not wear panties and let everyone see your snatch... maybe you should make sure it doesn't have a fucking 5 o'clock shadow. Thats the pussy of a depressed diner waitress, not a chick who made out with Madonna.
In conclusion, there is nothing funny about a family being torn apart, kids losing their mother, or young promising lives being destroyed by drugs and insanity, unless its Britney Spears. I can't wait to see what happens next. Last year was great with the shaved head, losing her kids, nailing cars with umbrellas and stints in re-hab. Awesome, thats a slice of Americana.

Anxiously awaiting the next big spectacle...

A Scientific Review of The Correleation Between My Step-Sister and Everything That Is Wrong With Girls Today.

2007-10-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I said girls for a reason.

Because I'm hoping, in my heart of hearts, that when these girls GROW THE FUCK UP into women they will realize how ridiculous they've been behaving.

I can't really pinpoint when I first noticed the trend among young girls today to idolize the most vapid, braindead, coldhearted shit that they see the dumb cunts on TV doing. When Sex and the City came out, I, like many other men, found it to be moronic, unrealistic, and undividedly female oriented. In the back of my head I knew it bothered me, but I figured a mostly mature audience of grown women would know not to idolize such cuntery. Boy was I wrong.

Since then it's only picked up steam. Laguna Beach, The Hills, My Super-Sweet 16, (my anger at MTV is pretty severe too) Desperate Housewives, and the rest of those intelligence-reversing shows continue to inundate these girls with the idea that gossip, immature behavior, artificiality, material possesions, and most siginificantly WHAT THEY SEE ON TV is what they should strive to achieve in their lives.

And as if that's not enough, this profoundly retarded material comes available in book form. Not too long ago, while returning from the beach with my Step-Sister, I found a book (WHO THE FUCK goes to the beach to read? Honestly. You wanna read in the sun, go in your front yard) called "Gossip Girls" (although apparently it's gonna be a TV show soon, so no futher reading will be required ladies. You can get back to your redbull and cocaine). The tag-line on the back read "Welcome to Manhattan's upper east side, where Jealousy and Betrayal WILL get your name on the list...". Shortly after, I flew into a rage about what this BULLSHIT is doing to young girls. I felt like a goddamn 80 year old man.

My Step-Sister is 18 now. She just started college. She's got a boyfriend, so I guess she's past her "hooking up with my friends" stage. But I have no doubt that her increased sense of independence (although let's face facts, she couldn't surivive on her own anywhere, and it's a good thing her mom and my dad are LOADED) is gonna make her try to emulate those cunts even more.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Step-Sister. She's a good person, and I hope she gets to grow out of this phase on her own, as opposed to some extremely jarring situation making her realize it. I hope, someday, she'll realize what a dumb little cunt she used to act like sometimes.

To all the real women out there....You gotta keep it real for these bitches too.

Don't Like Bush? I Don't Care.

2007-09-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

"There comes a time in every man's life when he must affirm his allegiance to his country, and to stop bitching about things he cannot change, or suck an enormous jungle cock." - Thomas Jefferson

Alright maybe Thomas Jefferson didn't say that, but then again maybe he did... were you there?? yeah thought so. Listen up people, like him or hate him he's going to be in office for another year. I personally don't hate the man. I don't love him either. I like alot of his policies, especially the ones where we get to pump hot lead into Qu'ran-sucking jihadist muslim scum-fucks. I also dislike alot of his policies. As you're reading this, I bet you're saying to yourself... "I don't care". Good, now you know how I feel.

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said something to the effect of, "only one more year"... after pulling over to the side of the road and collecting myself after about thirty seconds of epileptic rage which made me lose my breath and see the face of Satan himself, I relaxed. What the living son of a fuck point is this guy trying to make? "Boy I really dislike our current president, but I only have to deal with him for another year... I shall purchase a bumper sticker to inform everyone driving behind me that I am unhappy with our current leadership, then I shall shove my own head up my anus"... because anyone who thinks they are so important that their personal political views must be known by all, needs to be shot in the head with a large, sharp, dil-doh shaped arrow, preferably on fire. Bumper stickers predicting the inevitable... we are all going to hell slowly. I am going to get a sticker made up saying, "Dec. 25 Is Christmas". It's just as ridiculous.

If Hitler had killed ego-maniacal cocksuckers instead of well... everyone that wasn't him, I bet there would be statues of him all over the globe. My point is this... shut up. No one cares about how you feel about the president, and I would put a thousand dollars down on a bet that if you randomly asked affirmed Bush haters why they hated the man they would probably say... "because of the war". Follow that question with what don't you like about the war? they'd probably say, "ummm cuz war is bad". No shit. Go suck some patchouli hippie... this isn't the 60's and you can't change the world, and your pissy bumper stickers, t-shirts and protests aren't going to make this year go by any faster.

I think the problem is that kids today are told that they are special and unique and their opinions are important. Let me finish this by telling you the cold, hard awful awful truth...

YOU SUCK AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU WHINE

God Bless America

John hates you too, fuckstick.

2007-09-26T21:14:00.001-07:00

Welcome John.

Possibly the only person on the planet more filled with hate than I am.

Be afraid.

Be very, very afraid.

An Observation In Prose, A Sight for Sore Eyes.

2007-09-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have said this before, and actually written about the feeling I am going to convey to you, dear reader, so here it goes. Blind people just piss me off. Maybe it"s because they're so driven, or maybe it's because I saw "Road House" recently, and I fucking hate Jeff Healey, but the feeling remains the same, and I'll tell you why.

Blind people are the most selfish bastards on the planet. I'm sorry that you can't see, that must suck, but shut up about it, you're not dead, dying, or in the process of trying to die. You got dealt a shitty hand, but so did a lot of other people. Why is sight the most important sense? I know personally, that if I couldn't listen to the sound of babies crying, or the sound of grown men crying, I would probably off myself with the nearest sharp object.

"How could he say that?", you ask yourself...trust me, it's easy and you probably feel the same way about some group of unfortunate slobs, but you are too much of a pansy to say anything about it. We put a man on the moon, we split the atom, we made a longer lasting light bulb...yet still, we slaughter each other by the dumpster load for the most ridiculous reasons. Don't fool yourself. It's survival of the fittest. It is natural to look down on someone for being, well...disadvantaged, but that's not a license to give ol' blind willy a flat tire and a slap to the cock. Don't spend thousands on therapy because of your guilt for calling the retarded kid from the third grade "Mongo".

That being said... shut up, blind people. Until you start donating money, and time, and effort to people without other senses...I don't want to see you, your thick Ray-Bans, or your smelly-ass seeing eye dogs anywhere. (HAHAHA!! That's right, I said "see you".)

Specific Personal Hatreds, vol. 1

2007-08-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

-Bartenders who give me large bills as change. Do you want a tip or what? Because that 5 dollar Heineken certainly doesn't deserve a 5 dollar tip.

-Anyone who approaches me with "some interesting literature" I should "check out".

-People who shoot me dirty looks for smoking when I'm outside. I respect, even appreciate that the bars around here don't let you smoke inside. But in the open air I will do whatever I goddamn please.

-People who don't get when to fuck off. Great, I gave you a smoke, now fuck off. Oh what's that? You noticed I like the Yankees? Oh you too? Oh man that's fucking crazy. Please regale me with tales of how fucking crazy that is.

-Hot chicks that go to bars just to "stand around" and "look uninterested". Also, chicks that do that shit at house parties.

-My Father.

"I'm on the pill"

2007-06-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

"I'm on the pill."

Simultaneously the best and worst thing a girl could say to me before sex.

One part of me is always overjoyed to hear those four words. "NO CONDOM!!!!!" sings my penis in a Rob Halford-esque falsetto. Condoms to me are like cock kryptonite. And ususally, hearing those words means I don't have to wear one.

"NEITHER DID ANY OF THOSE OTHER DUDES!!!" screams my brain. Images flash across my mind of gallons of other dudes semen gushing out of this girls vagina, leaving behind STDs like a glacier leaves sediment. I mean lord know's who she's been with (although I suppose I'm no one to talk), and lord knows how many of them (for what it's worth I do believe that on the whole, women have more partners than men).

Ususally my penis wins these arguments. He's like an irresponsible teenager, and no matter what his parents (my brain) tell him he's just not gonna listen. I hope he wises up some day. His luck might be running out.

As odd as it sounds, a girl making me wear a condom is kinda sexy. Not so much the stuffing my cock into a poorly designed ballon, but the idea that she's concerned about her (and I suppose my) sexual health.

A buddy of mine and I once got into an argument about this. I exclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the best!". He proclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the worst!"

We both immediately let out a "well, actually.....", and validated each others statements.

I suppose that will always be the case.

How the Grinch Stole Chanukkah

2007-06-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

This blog is poorly timed to say the least.

But I was listening to some old tapes I made of my random thoughts, and I was stricken with a notion about that time-honored Christmas classic, Dr. Suess's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Did you ever find it odd that the Who's down in Whoville appear to be celebrating Christmas in a made-up world where Christ never existed? I mean unless Dr. Suess wrote a short story about him too. I would like to see what kind of creative license he would have taken with that.

And why are there no little Jew-Who's? I mean even just a yarmukle or a menorah somewhere in the background. But no. These Who's live in a world where everyone celebrates Christmas, and the spirit of the season seems to be their religon.

I think alot about these things for an atheist.

Pregnancy Test commercials

2007-06-12T19:39:00.001-07:00

So far every pregnancy test commercial I've seen has been a couple anxiously awaiting "the good news".

Why can't the good news ever be that she's not pregnant?

Just once I'd like to see an ad where the little test apparatus reads "not pregnant" and the couple is overjoyed. "I don't know WHAT I would have told my parents!" she exclaims. "I don't know what I would have told my wife!" screams the man. I mean, consider it honestly. Surely a portion of the pregnancy tests purchased each year must be purchased with the hope that she's NOT pregnant. And I guarantee you that were "Big Pregnancy" to run such a commercial, they would increase their brand selection amonst males tenfold. I mean, not to insult my gender, but I have purchased many a beer brand just to feel a little better when I laugh at some of the brilliantly crafted ads they use.

Just a thought. I better get some credit for this if it ever happens.

Welcome to Hate

2007-06-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

I've never been the tech-savvy (saavy?) type.

So the decision to make a blog has been one difficult in the making. I'm not exactly proud of myself....but I need an outlet. All this rage has to go somewhere. However, this is no heavy-hearted, overly serious, teenage angst-ish hate. This is an embrace of the absurd. So here comes the hate. And the love. And all the bacon-wrapped steaks you could ever want.

Angrily, Phil.