Hatredy Sports: A Single, A Double, and a Walk-off Mustache

Okay, so this blog is as worthless as Phil's HULU suckfest, but come on, look at that. It's Jason Giambi's moving tribute to Don Mattingly circa his "Hitman" era playing days. I for one love it. Clean-cut Yankees manager Joe Girardi has viewed all the scouting reports and believes the Yankees owe their recent success to the power of the mustache. Johnny Damon and others are following. As for Giambi, he's breaking slumps and the hearts of single 40-something women everywhere. No mortal man can be certain as to when the first whiskers sprouted on Giambi’s upper lip but since May 15th Giambi has a .388 batting average with 5 dingers and 11 RBIs. Oh, not to mention he has upped his batting average 77 points from .181 to a much more respectable .258. How cool are Burt Renyolds and Tom Selleck now? Now the Yanks have a bit of a winning streak, so come along for the mustache ride, drink a brew or 10 and enjoy the summer.

P.S. I realized the ladies may like a fella with a clean-cut look. Well sorry, ladies if you want a clean stache, it's going to look a lot like this....

So do you want to know why you can never have this guy, ladies? Because he is strong, sensitive, and has a boyfriend. And yes, he is the best Met of the past 15 years. Kind of sad really. My third blog on mustaches, but don't worry I don't play on Piazza's team.

The Mustachio Bashio Part 2: The Hairy Best…and The Rest

If you aren’t aware of this list please check out Part 1 for why we are even doing a Top 10 mustache list. So with Alex Trebek, the Original Brawny Man, Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez, Top Gun, and Mario dominating the 10 though 6 spots, let’s see just who cracked the Top 5 mustaches of all time (and to shorten any hate mail, there is also a rather lengthy honorable mention list)…


5) Geraldo Rivera – I would be remiss not to mention this “journalist.” In a world of credible news journalists, there is Geraldo. Many strive for perfection; Geraldo gets the dirt, all while stroking that pointy mustache every step of the way.

4) Don Mattingly – Ah, my favorite baseball player of all time. Donnie Baseball was tough, worked hard, and got the job done which is a common characteristic of all mustache-wearers. His Yankee plaque has that famous Yankee stache engraved in stone and in our hearts. So Mr. Mattingly, for the love of God, please stop shaving it. Sometimes we really don’t know which Don we are going to get, but when we get the mustache, you know everything is going to be alright.

3) Tom Selleck – Magnum P.I. to me was Mustache P.I. He has had an awesome run and is most notably known for having a mustache, but like Trebek and the new Brawny Man, sometimes insists on the clean shave, which would normally peg him down on this list. Not Selleck though, I once saw him on Conan O’ Brien sporting the mustache. Like me, Conan was confused on why he switched from time to time. He then handed Tom an electric razor to shave off half of his mustache to please both audiences. Mr. Selleck then noted that he had other interviews to attend to after Conan, now with his bizarre half-mustache. It was awesome. Tom Selleck, a great sport, a great man, a great mustache. (Blogger’s Note: It was really hard to pick one Selleck picture, there are thousands and they are all awesome.)

2) Burt Reynolds – What can I say? He’s a legend. From Smokey and the Bandit to the Boogie Nights beard, Burt’s done it all in mustache style. He looks like a different person without it (Stripetease: I wanted to see Demi in the buff and was disgusted because of Burt’s no-stache atrocity). So did the mustache make the man? No, this man made his own moustache and rules while still knowing he is bad-ass.

1) Hulk Hogan – Anyone that knows me, knew the Hulkster would ring in at number one. Why am I adamant about Hogan? He reminds me of my youth, the good old days, and he talked the talked and beat up the bad guys. He reminded me of a “super” dad because of his awesome fu manchu mustache and how you could look up to him (in all fairness to my dad, he still maintains a killer stache to this day). Hulk Hogan without a mustache is like the American flag without the stars and stripes, it is just unfathomable.

Honorable Mentions (Let's face it, I probably missed someone, maybe this will ease the pain):

Sam Elliott - Whether it's Tombstone (or any western, really) or the Big Lebowski, the Stache abides. The Stache abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Stache. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. Now I want some good sarsaparilla, moving on...

Goose Gossage– another monster mustache and a legendary Yankee, but in the land of a top ten there is only room for so many baseball players. (wow, 2 Gooses on one list).

Wade Boggs – mustaches rocked the Yankees infield in the mid-90s with both Boggs and the above mentioned Mattingly (united by the stache), however his conversion to the goatee keeps him off the top 10.

Luigi - Don’t think I forgot Mario’s younger brother. His mustache is so important how did they think they were going to have a Mario Bros. movie WITHOUT Luigi sporting a mustache? The movie sucked and I still hold it against John Leguizamo to this day.

Monterey Jack – Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers needed some muscle and to the surprise of absolutely no one, this tough guy had a mustache.

Everyone else from 1980s Wrestling – The Hulkster wasn’t the only man sporting a killer stache beating people up in the 80s.

Groucho Marx – He didn’t influence me personally and sometimes it was just painted on, but when you think of the Marx Bros, you think of Groucho and is oversized facial hair from the bygone era.

Robert Goulet – As a kid, I knew Bob Goulet as an old school entertainer for an old school era. The man could sing and croon with the best of them (and was in Beetlejuice and Scrooged), but rose to greater infamy for our generation as “that guy Will Ferrell imitates on SNL”. I always wondered what he thought about that, anyway Mr. Goulet passed away last October, so rest in moustache heaven, Robert Goulet.

Chuck Norris – Although he’s sported a beard for quite some time now, the badass aura Chuck began, of course, rocking the stache.

Ned Flanders – Homer may hate him and Maude may be dead, but the one thing that lives on is the thing we love about Ned, that mustache.

1980s Top 40 Adult Contemporary: Lionel Richie and John Oates - If you didn’t like Oates’ stache, you’re out of touch and I’m of time. As for Lionel, it sum up his mustache is easy, easy like Sunday morning. The mustaches are both gone, but you can easily relive them on WEBE 108 or wherever cheese and guilty pleasures are sold.

Charles Bronson – Before you get your Death Wish, the last thing you’ll remember is his mustache.

Pat O’ Brien – Once respected 80s sports analyst turned rehab-stinting Anna Nicole/Britney updater. Maybe his voice wouldn’t be as nasally if he shaved, maybe that’s a chance we are never willing to take.

Every Awesome Dad Ever – My dad has one, maybe yours does too and they are awesome for maintaining it.

Unhonorable Mention: Adolf Hitler – No, I am not twisted from trying to include him, but it is interesting to note that he was so evil he has the one mustache that NO ONE will ever replicate (outside of Halloween, impersonators, and Laurel & Hardy conventions).

So what have learned through all of this? One thing I learned is that I have not or may not ever possibly see an American President with a mustache in my lifetime. Why because they are just way too relaxed, cool, tough, and importantly real men. When I find that special lady, we have some kids and settle in, one thing is for sure, the stache is coming back. After all ladies, who wouldn’t want a mustache ride?

The Mustachio Bashio: A Top 10 Journey Through Hair Part 1

Ah, the mustache. There’s something almost comforting about it. My 1980’s heroes had them, my dad has one, and most of my friends’ dads have them as well. Even I had one for around three years. So where are they now?? They were all the rave in the 70s and 80s and were a trademark of the All-American-Man. “So guy, if you love ‘em so much why don’t you just grow one,” you may be saying as you read this. Truth is, I got no nookie partly because of my stache. In my young and naïve way of thinking, I thought only the “coolest dudes” were to have hair above their upper lip. Yet few chill people had them in my high school class, it was pretty much just me and two Indian kids. The only reason they had mustaches is because their facial hair was so out of control they had no choice. Even if they shaved, it’d be back by lunch anyway. As for me, well I accidentally nipped it while trimming and had to shave off the whole thing as a result. After several not-so-prosperous years of having that facial hair, many of my friends, peers, and the female persuasion by and large agreed I was better off without my hairy confidant (I laughed as I typed that). But why?!? Well, after conducting some focus groups and just plain showing girls my freshman year college ID (they made me keep the same picture all 5 ½ years), today’s young women DO NOT want the mustache. Well, screw off; I’m giving you 10 reasons, nay, 10 people that are icons because of their mustaches.

10) Alex Trebek – Here’s a perfect example of the mustache making the man. Throughout the majority of his quiz show tenure he has proudly sported his pepper-gray stache. Then, inexplicably, it was gone. But, oh yes, the memory remains. So much so that every time Will Ferrell partook in the Jeopardy parody on SNL, he wore the mustache. Why you ask? Well because it just would have been Will Ferrell trying to be the host of Jeopardy as opposed to an easily identifiable Trebek. I was hoping Ken Jennings was going to keep that winning streak going until Trebek agreed to grow it back. Alas, it was not to be, but I still think he’ll grow it back someday.

9) The Brawny Man – Let me be clear, THE Brawny Man, the one we all remember. I know there is a newer, younger hairless chap (once again why today’s newer, younger woman hates the excess hair, so there’s forced change) on the cover of today’s paper towels, but I’m talking about the sandy-brown haired beast that scared some kids in their infantile stages. Was I scared? A little, when I was very young. Did I respect him? More than words could do justice. That mustache was the real quicker, picker upper, folks.

8) MLB-Tie - Rollie Fingers/Keith Hernandez – There were so many great mustaches in Major League Baseball, but even if it was before your time, Rollie has the one stache that is the most striking. Curled-up and looking right out of the early 1900s, its so iconic it’s scary. As for Keith Hernandez, he was an 80s man, with an 80s stache which he reminds us every time you see a Just For Men hair commercial. However, he is a Met and kind of a jerk, so I respect him, but only as much as I can respect a Met.

7) Top Gun – How does a movie get on the list? Easy, there are two key mustaches here. There’s the big dog, the wily veteran Cmdr. Mike 'Viper' Metcalf, played by Tom Skerrit, who of course leads with an iron mustache. Then there were the hairless younger guys. This is how I imagine it went down: Director, Jerry Bruckheimer, “Ok one of you guys needs a mustache and damn it, we can’t cover Tom’s face, he’s the money maker and Val doesn’t need it. Anthony Edwards, you ain’t a vengeful nerd anymore, grow a mustache and be Goose…and die.” Alright, maybe that’s not exactly how it was discussed, but even if Goose’s facial hair is a bit unsettling in 2008, it was perfectly fine back in 1986, he even bagged a young, attractive Meg Ryan in the flick. You could do anything (or anyone) with the power of the mustache.

6) Mario - Speaking of death, one mustache that will never die is Mario. Yes, Super Mario who was a staple of my adolescence and continues to be for new generations of video gamers. Sonic the Hedgehog may have had is blow-out, Mega Man had his arm-canon/ helmet combo, and Pac-Man may have a, uh, mouth but Mario still manages to make classic games in his perfect over-the-top, over stereotyped Italian-mustached way.

So, this is all a bit to take in (and let's build some minor suspense), so the top five will be saved for the next post. Who made it? Why no love for Luigi? Don't worry more drama comin' in Part 2...