Sunday, June 24, 2007

"I'm on the pill"

"I'm on the pill."

Simultaneously the best and worst thing a girl could say to me before sex.

One part of me is always overjoyed to hear those four words. "NO CONDOM!!!!!" sings my penis in a Rob Halford-esque falsetto. Condoms to me are like cock kryptonite. And ususally, hearing those words means I don't have to wear one.

"NEITHER DID ANY OF THOSE OTHER DUDES!!!" screams my brain. Images flash across my mind of gallons of other dudes semen gushing out of this girls vagina, leaving behind STDs like a glacier leaves sediment. I mean lord know's who she's been with (although I suppose I'm no one to talk), and lord knows how many of them (for what it's worth I do believe that on the whole, women have more partners than men).

Ususally my penis wins these arguments. He's like an irresponsible teenager, and no matter what his parents (my brain) tell him he's just not gonna listen. I hope he wises up some day. His luck might be running out.

As odd as it sounds, a girl making me wear a condom is kinda sexy. Not so much the stuffing my cock into a poorly designed ballon, but the idea that she's concerned about her (and I suppose my) sexual health.

A buddy of mine and I once got into an argument about this. I exclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the best!". He proclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the worst!"

We both immediately let out a "well, actually.....", and validated each others statements.

I suppose that will always be the case.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

How the Grinch Stole Chanukkah

This blog is poorly timed to say the least.

But I was listening to some old tapes I made of my random thoughts, and I was stricken with a notion about that time-honored Christmas classic, Dr. Suess's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Did you ever find it odd that the Who's down in Whoville appear to be celebrating Christmas in a made-up world where Christ never existed? I mean unless Dr. Suess wrote a short story about him too. I would like to see what kind of creative license he would have taken with that.

And why are there no little Jew-Who's? I mean even just a yarmukle or a menorah somewhere in the background. But no. These Who's live in a world where everyone celebrates Christmas, and the spirit of the season seems to be their religon.

I think alot about these things for an atheist.

Pregnancy Test commercials

So far every pregnancy test commercial I've seen has been a couple anxiously awaiting "the good news".

Why can't the good news ever be that she's not pregnant?

Just once I'd like to see an ad where the little test apparatus reads "not pregnant" and the couple is overjoyed. "I don't know WHAT I would have told my parents!" she exclaims. "I don't know what I would have told my wife!" screams the man. I mean, consider it honestly. Surely a portion of the pregnancy tests purchased each year must be purchased with the hope that she's NOT pregnant. And I guarantee you that were "Big Pregnancy" to run such a commercial, they would increase their brand selection amonst males tenfold. I mean, not to insult my gender, but I have purchased many a beer brand just to feel a little better when I laugh at some of the brilliantly crafted ads they use.

Just a thought. I better get some credit for this if it ever happens.

Welcome to Hate

I've never been the tech-savvy (saavy?) type.

So the decision to make a blog has been one difficult in the making. I'm not exactly proud of myself....but I need an outlet. All this rage has to go somewhere. However, this is no heavy-hearted, overly serious, teenage angst-ish hate. This is an embrace of the absurd. So here comes the hate. And the love. And all the bacon-wrapped steaks you could ever want.

Angrily, Phil.