Friday, October 12, 2007

A Scientific Review of The Correleation Between My Step-Sister and Everything That Is Wrong With Girls Today.

I said girls for a reason.

Because I'm hoping, in my heart of hearts, that when these girls GROW THE FUCK UP into women they will realize how ridiculous they've been behaving.

I can't really pinpoint when I first noticed the trend among young girls today to idolize the most vapid, braindead, coldhearted shit that they see the dumb cunts on TV doing. When Sex and the City came out, I, like many other men, found it to be moronic, unrealistic, and undividedly female oriented. In the back of my head I knew it bothered me, but I figured a mostly mature audience of grown women would know not to idolize such cuntery. Boy was I wrong.

Since then it's only picked up steam. Laguna Beach, The Hills, My Super-Sweet 16, (my anger at MTV is pretty severe too) Desperate Housewives, and the rest of those intelligence-reversing shows continue to inundate these girls with the idea that gossip, immature behavior, artificiality, material possesions, and most siginificantly WHAT THEY SEE ON TV is what they should strive to achieve in their lives.

And as if that's not enough, this profoundly retarded material comes available in book form. Not too long ago, while returning from the beach with my Step-Sister, I found a book (WHO THE FUCK goes to the beach to read? Honestly. You wanna read in the sun, go in your front yard) called "Gossip Girls" (although apparently it's gonna be a TV show soon, so no futher reading will be required ladies. You can get back to your redbull and cocaine). The tag-line on the back read "Welcome to Manhattan's upper east side, where Jealousy and Betrayal WILL get your name on the list...". Shortly after, I flew into a rage about what this BULLSHIT is doing to young girls. I felt like a goddamn 80 year old man.

My Step-Sister is 18 now. She just started college. She's got a boyfriend, so I guess she's past her "hooking up with my friends" stage. But I have no doubt that her increased sense of independence (although let's face facts, she couldn't surivive on her own anywhere, and it's a good thing her mom and my dad are LOADED) is gonna make her try to emulate those cunts even more.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Step-Sister. She's a good person, and I hope she gets to grow out of this phase on her own, as opposed to some extremely jarring situation making her realize it. I hope, someday, she'll realize what a dumb little cunt she used to act like sometimes.

To all the real women out there....You gotta keep it real for these bitches too.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Don't Like Bush? I Don't Care.

"There comes a time in every man's life when he must affirm his allegiance to his country, and to stop bitching about things he cannot change, or suck an enormous jungle cock." - Thomas Jefferson

Alright maybe Thomas Jefferson didn't say that, but then again maybe he did... were you there?? yeah thought so. Listen up people, like him or hate him he's going to be in office for another year. I personally don't hate the man. I don't love him either. I like alot of his policies, especially the ones where we get to pump hot lead into Qu'ran-sucking jihadist muslim scum-fucks. I also dislike alot of his policies. As you're reading this, I bet you're saying to yourself... "I don't care". Good, now you know how I feel.

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said something to the effect of, "only one more year"... after pulling over to the side of the road and collecting myself after about thirty seconds of epileptic rage which made me lose my breath and see the face of Satan himself, I relaxed. What the living son of a fuck point is this guy trying to make? "Boy I really dislike our current president, but I only have to deal with him for another year... I shall purchase a bumper sticker to inform everyone driving behind me that I am unhappy with our current leadership, then I shall shove my own head up my anus"... because anyone who thinks they are so important that their personal political views must be known by all, needs to be shot in the head with a large, sharp, dil-doh shaped arrow, preferably on fire. Bumper stickers predicting the inevitable... we are all going to hell slowly. I am going to get a sticker made up saying, "Dec. 25 Is Christmas". It's just as ridiculous.

If Hitler had killed ego-maniacal cocksuckers instead of well... everyone that wasn't him, I bet there would be statues of him all over the globe. My point is this... shut up. No one cares about how you feel about the president, and I would put a thousand dollars down on a bet that if you randomly asked affirmed Bush haters why they hated the man they would probably say... "because of the war". Follow that question with what don't you like about the war? they'd probably say, "ummm cuz war is bad". No shit. Go suck some patchouli hippie... this isn't the 60's and you can't change the world, and your pissy bumper stickers, t-shirts and protests aren't going to make this year go by any faster.

I think the problem is that kids today are told that they are special and unique and their opinions are important. Let me finish this by telling you the cold, hard awful awful truth...

YOU SUCK AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU WHINE

God Bless America

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

John hates you too, fuckstick.

Welcome John.

Possibly the only person on the planet more filled with hate than I am.

Be afraid.

Be very, very afraid.

An Observation In Prose, A Sight for Sore Eyes.

I have said this before, and actually written about the feeling I am going to convey to you, dear reader, so here it goes. Blind people just piss me off. Maybe it"s because they're so driven, or maybe it's because I saw "Road House" recently, and I fucking hate Jeff Healey, but the feeling remains the same, and I'll tell you why.

Blind people are the most selfish bastards on the planet. I'm sorry that you can't see, that must suck, but shut up about it, you're not dead, dying, or in the process of trying to die. You got dealt a shitty hand, but so did a lot of other people. Why is sight the most important sense? I know personally, that if I couldn't listen to the sound of babies crying, or the sound of grown men crying, I would probably off myself with the nearest sharp object.

"How could he say that?", you ask yourself...trust me, it's easy and you probably feel the same way about some group of unfortunate slobs, but you are too much of a pansy to say anything about it. We put a man on the moon, we split the atom, we made a longer lasting light bulb...yet still, we slaughter each other by the dumpster load for the most ridiculous reasons. Don't fool yourself. It's survival of the fittest. It is natural to look down on someone for being, well...disadvantaged, but that's not a license to give ol' blind willy a flat tire and a slap to the cock. Don't spend thousands on therapy because of your guilt for calling the retarded kid from the third grade "Mongo".

That being said... shut up, blind people. Until you start donating money, and time, and effort to people without other senses...I don't want to see you, your thick Ray-Bans, or your smelly-ass seeing eye dogs anywhere. (HAHAHA!! That's right, I said "see you".)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Specific Personal Hatreds, vol. 1

-Bartenders who give me large bills as change. Do you want a tip or what? Because that 5 dollar Heineken certainly doesn't deserve a 5 dollar tip.

-Anyone who approaches me with "some interesting literature" I should "check out".

-People who shoot me dirty looks for smoking when I'm outside. I respect, even appreciate that the bars around here don't let you smoke inside. But in the open air I will do whatever I goddamn please.

-People who don't get when to fuck off. Great, I gave you a smoke, now fuck off. Oh what's that? You noticed I like the Yankees? Oh you too? Oh man that's fucking crazy. Please regale me with tales of how fucking crazy that is.

-Hot chicks that go to bars just to "stand around" and "look uninterested". Also, chicks that do that shit at house parties.

-My Father.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

"I'm on the pill"

"I'm on the pill."

Simultaneously the best and worst thing a girl could say to me before sex.

One part of me is always overjoyed to hear those four words. "NO CONDOM!!!!!" sings my penis in a Rob Halford-esque falsetto. Condoms to me are like cock kryptonite. And ususally, hearing those words means I don't have to wear one.

"NEITHER DID ANY OF THOSE OTHER DUDES!!!" screams my brain. Images flash across my mind of gallons of other dudes semen gushing out of this girls vagina, leaving behind STDs like a glacier leaves sediment. I mean lord know's who she's been with (although I suppose I'm no one to talk), and lord knows how many of them (for what it's worth I do believe that on the whole, women have more partners than men).

Ususally my penis wins these arguments. He's like an irresponsible teenager, and no matter what his parents (my brain) tell him he's just not gonna listen. I hope he wises up some day. His luck might be running out.

As odd as it sounds, a girl making me wear a condom is kinda sexy. Not so much the stuffing my cock into a poorly designed ballon, but the idea that she's concerned about her (and I suppose my) sexual health.

A buddy of mine and I once got into an argument about this. I exclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the best!". He proclaimed "Unprotected Sex is the worst!"

We both immediately let out a "well, actually.....", and validated each others statements.

I suppose that will always be the case.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

How the Grinch Stole Chanukkah

This blog is poorly timed to say the least.

But I was listening to some old tapes I made of my random thoughts, and I was stricken with a notion about that time-honored Christmas classic, Dr. Suess's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Did you ever find it odd that the Who's down in Whoville appear to be celebrating Christmas in a made-up world where Christ never existed? I mean unless Dr. Suess wrote a short story about him too. I would like to see what kind of creative license he would have taken with that.

And why are there no little Jew-Who's? I mean even just a yarmukle or a menorah somewhere in the background. But no. These Who's live in a world where everyone celebrates Christmas, and the spirit of the season seems to be their religon.

I think alot about these things for an atheist.

Pregnancy Test commercials

So far every pregnancy test commercial I've seen has been a couple anxiously awaiting "the good news".

Why can't the good news ever be that she's not pregnant?

Just once I'd like to see an ad where the little test apparatus reads "not pregnant" and the couple is overjoyed. "I don't know WHAT I would have told my parents!" she exclaims. "I don't know what I would have told my wife!" screams the man. I mean, consider it honestly. Surely a portion of the pregnancy tests purchased each year must be purchased with the hope that she's NOT pregnant. And I guarantee you that were "Big Pregnancy" to run such a commercial, they would increase their brand selection amonst males tenfold. I mean, not to insult my gender, but I have purchased many a beer brand just to feel a little better when I laugh at some of the brilliantly crafted ads they use.

Just a thought. I better get some credit for this if it ever happens.

Welcome to Hate

I've never been the tech-savvy (saavy?) type.

So the decision to make a blog has been one difficult in the making. I'm not exactly proud of myself....but I need an outlet. All this rage has to go somewhere. However, this is no heavy-hearted, overly serious, teenage angst-ish hate. This is an embrace of the absurd. So here comes the hate. And the love. And all the bacon-wrapped steaks you could ever want.

Angrily, Phil.