AIM Away Messages...

So, first, let me say that I think AIM is great. It's a hell of a lot easier than having to call someone and actually pretend to give a shit about what they're telling you. The one problem I have is with the FUCKING RETARDED away messages people leave. First off, if you're going to be away from your computer for hours on end, dont you think you should just... turn it off? When you go out for the night, do you leave your television on? I didn't think so. You're telling me that you're really SO important that everyone has to know what you're doing for the next six hours? Get over yourself. Here is a short list of acceptable and unacceptable away messages:

"Around" - what, the world in 80 days? Technically at all times you're around something, even in the desert you're around sand, in space, you're around planets, in the ocean, you're around giant squid. This one is okay though. This one is basically saying that you're close by, and if you see a message pop up you'll answer the person. However...if you put this one up and then go to the store or something like that, may a psycho kill you with an icicle. In the end, Acceptable.

"Out With My Girls" - Did you buy them? Inherit them from a rich uncle who just happened to have some enslaved girls in his basement? I know personally that I am not anyone's posession. In the end this horrible message is basically saying "I'm out drinking and slutting around, shave your balls, powder up and come ravage me with a street cone." This one is completely Unacceptable... ugh... I'm actually very angry now.

"Leave Some Love" - This one just scares me. Rapists say shit like that. "Hey man I left some love on the table for her to remember me by." One time I left a big puddle of love on my friends little brother's bed after I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend on it. Did I use that as an away message? Actually, I may have... Acceptable.

"Song Lyrics-Movie Quotes" - Alright, most of the time this can be acceptable. Under the following circumstances it is never acceptable: A. The song was written or performed by Dave Matthews. ; B. The movie's title is one word and that word is 'Notebook'. ; C. Lyrics are purposely chosen to show people that you are depressed. ; D. You wrote the lyrics. ; E. The movie you are quoting is a snuff film. Sometimes acceptable.

"Anything In Another Language" - WOW YOU CAN SPEAK SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH?? Holy shit, you must have gone to grammar school!! Lucky bastard! Unacceptable.
(Additionally, most of the time the unholy fuckers who put up away messages in other languages can't even speak that language.)

"Sappy Bullshit About Boy/Girlfriend" - Congratulations, you're getting laid regularly. These are simply the worst. No one, and I mean no one gives a living fuck about who you're currently with, "the sweetest guy/girl in the world". Most of the time these are put up by girls, as guys don't usually want to broadcast that they have a girlfriend and thusly discourage any other chicks who might be driving hard to the hoop. Girls love to make their friends jealous, and what better way than to let the world know that you can't talk to them on the computer because you're with Mr. Right. In actuality the situation is more like, your boyfriend comes over, pretends to listen to you for a couple hours, sits through whatever awful movie you pick, tries to convince you to have a couple drinks, stares at your tits, fucks the ever-living shit out of you then runs out of there as fast as he can. Oh, he may kiss you sweetly when he leaves, and he might even whisper "love you" as he walks out, but rest assured the minute that door is closed hes saying something like, "Jeeesus Christ". Unacceptable.

Addition by Phil-"Angry Bullshit About Boyfriend/Girlfriend" - Again, what the fuck needs to be explained here? You're in a relationship (which the whole world already knows because you made sure to spend a fucking week customizing your facebook profile around that fact) and you're mad at your significant other. I'm betting that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the world. Like John said, you're getting laid regularly, and now, you get to have angry make-up (or break-up) sex with that person. Either way that's better than me, sitting at home jerking off and reading away messages hoping maybe I can get some from one of these dumb cunts. Suck it up (literally) and quit bitching about your significant other, and just be happy that you've got someone (as so many lonely fucks don't).

I could go on but I'm not going to. Long story short, no one is that important that their friends NEED to know what theyre doing when theyre not talking to them. Shit the spelll check isnt working. Please excuse the lack of punctuation. God Im pissed now.

Britney Spears is going crazy.... I love it.

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Don't Like Bush? I Don't Care.

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An Observation In Prose, A Sight for Sore Eyes.

I have said this before, and actually written about the feeling I am going to convey to you, dear reader, so here it goes. Blind people just piss me off. Maybe it"s because they're so driven, or maybe it's because I saw "Road House" recently, and I fucking hate Jeff Healey, but the feeling remains the same, and I'll tell you why.

Blind people are the most selfish bastards on the planet. I'm sorry that you can't see, that must suck, but shut up about it, you're not dead, dying, or in the process of trying to die. You got dealt a shitty hand, but so did a lot of other people. Why is sight the most important sense? I know personally, that if I couldn't listen to the sound of babies crying, or the sound of grown men crying, I would probably off myself with the nearest sharp object.

"How could he say that?", you ask yourself...trust me, it's easy and you probably feel the same way about some group of unfortunate slobs, but you are too much of a pansy to say anything about it. We put a man on the moon, we split the atom, we made a longer lasting light bulb...yet still, we slaughter each other by the dumpster load for the most ridiculous reasons. Don't fool yourself. It's survival of the fittest. It is natural to look down on someone for being, well...disadvantaged, but that's not a license to give ol' blind willy a flat tire and a slap to the cock. Don't spend thousands on therapy because of your guilt for calling the retarded kid from the third grade "Mongo".

That being said... shut up, blind people. Until you start donating money, and time, and effort to people without other senses...I don't want to see you, your thick Ray-Bans, or your smelly-ass seeing eye dogs anywhere. (HAHAHA!! That's right, I said "see you".)

Specific Personal Hatreds, vol. 1

-Bartenders who give me large bills as change. Do you want a tip or what? Because that 5 dollar Heineken certainly doesn't deserve a 5 dollar tip.

-Anyone who approaches me with "some interesting literature" I should "check out".

-People who shoot me dirty looks for smoking when I'm outside. I respect, even appreciate that the bars around here don't let you smoke inside. But in the open air I will do whatever I goddamn please.

-People who don't get when to fuck off. Great, I gave you a smoke, now fuck off. Oh what's that? You noticed I like the Yankees? Oh you too? Oh man that's fucking crazy. Please regale me with tales of how fucking crazy that is.

-Hot chicks that go to bars just to "stand around" and "look uninterested". Also, chicks that do that shit at house parties.

-My Father.